My name is Jharmain Mortimer (Jharr) I am 26 years old. I have suffered with depression since I was 19 years old. I have had some hard times, but I have also been blessed with a beautiful, full time energetic, three year old toddler named Joel & our beautiful Baby Bean who is due, 10th July 2014. The hard times have taught me much, & have helped me to become the women & Mummy that I am today. I still have my bad days but I also have my good days. It is the amazing support from family & those few friends that helps me want to fight & become a stronger person. I originally set up my blog so that I had my own bit of personal space to write down feelings! now I try to blog on a daily basis or whenever I can, I mostly like to talk about life in general, the joys of being a Mummy & wife, & how I live my life day to day coping with the ups & downs of Depression. I would like to think that any other Mums & Dads out there that suffer with depression & are reading my blog, find that it is helpful to them in some way or another because after all, depression isn't anything to be ashamed of. I like to be fairly open on alot of my topics because it is one of my ways that I find helps me to cope. People that choose to name call & label me for having a Blog are only defining themselves. :)

Always remember; Depression isn't weakness, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. depression is a sign of strength, because it means no matter how weak your mind might be to you, your heart is still strong enough to feel. hold your head up high & be proud of who you are! ~

Saturday, 12 April 2014

Diary Post #60.

Dear Diary... 


A few weeks back I thought my depression was resurfacing, so I took myself to the doctor & spoke to my midwife, something I wouldn't of done before when my depression was bad i'd of just let things get worse for myself, so that in itself showed me i'm still doing well, & it turns out that I was just struggling with the extra amount of hormones rushing around in my body due to being pregnant, which was good to know. 

On the "depression" side of things, I still have days were my anxiety gets the better of me, but I am now also learning my triggers, so i'm also learning how to handle my "episodes" when they occur. 

so needless to say things are pretty good right now, which is something I have been longing to be able to say.. 

On Thursday (10th April) Me, Joel, Neil, Neil's mum, his sister & her two girls all took a trip to Tropical World in Roundhay, Leeds. it was an awesome day. We got to see all the huge fish, the little meerkats & all the butterflies, snakes & bugs. It was a fantastic day, although it was terribly hot in there ha! ;) 

After Tropical world we visited the gift shop & then the park.. I have never seen Joel have to much fun! I was completely ditched once we arrived at the park & he just wanted to hang out with his cousins! Mummy was completely ditched, which kinda worked out to say my hips were killing me & all I wanted to do was sit down & rest after walking round Tropical world.

In 12 weeks time I will be bringing our beautiful daughter into the world & i'll become a mother of two! so, I am enjoying every moment of my last months as a mother of one! I can't wait for my family to finally be complete. 

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 26.

Dear Diary... 

Week 26: 

12 WEEKS TO GO! :D I can't believe how fast this pregnancy is going. As of Thursday I will be entering the third trimester of my pregnancy & before I know it, i'll be cuddling my beautiful baby girl in my arms. 

This week symptoms are all over the place. I am suffering with Braxton Hicks (yey) & terrible heartburn, seriously I have had it constant for 3 days now! Thankfully a friend came to my rescue this evening & dropped off some stuff that helped completely ease my heartburn. It was so bad I couldn't eat, drink or even sleep because when I lay down the burning sensation bubbled into my throat & caused me to gag :( Other symptoms I have been suffering with are tiredness, hip & backache & a very heavy tummy. 

Mood wise I have been feeling great. This week I haven't been as teary thankfully, jeez last week I was crying at absolutely everything, it got so bad I actually thought my depression was resurfacing! :/ Thankfully its not & I am trying my hardest to keep a lid on the bawling. 

That's all for this week, 
I hope you've enjoyed reading. X 

Monday, 31 March 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 25.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 25: 

So this week, today actually! I my #GTT (glucose tolerance test) & it is probably the one & ONLY thing I hate about pregnancy because not only did I have to fast from Midnight the previous night, I had to also endure a 20 minutes car journey up to the hospital so we could be there for 9am so I could have two sets of bloods done & drink some glucose liquid! & frankly, my little lady isn't a fan of me travelling by bus or car as it is, never mind with an empty stomach! then there is also the fact that I am probably the most awkward person in the world to get blood from! -_- 

For those who don't know what a glucose tolerance test is, it is a procedure that woman with a "high bmi" have to go through to ensure that they don't develop gestational diabetes! In all honesty, I never developed it with Joel, so hopefully I won't this time either, & i was much bigger with my son! 

When I arrived I had to have my first set of bloods done then I had to drink the glucose liquid! Eeek, it tasted like rancid really flat coke that had been left to go warm for a week. After that I had to just sit quietly for 2 hours whilst the glucose coursed my veins. After the 2 hours (which felt alot more like 5 hours because I was starving) I had my second set of bloods took & was then told I could go home! & feast ;) 

An hour into my "waiting" I went dizzy & ended up sat on the floor with my legs crossed & my head in my arms on a chair I was supposed to be sat on! I thought would have been better for me to get on the floor, rather than fall down on it. 

Thankfully all is over & done with now & after a good lunch time feast I am feeling much better! I am just left with this cotton wool & tape on my arm now that I haven't yet had the guts to take off because my arm is still slightly tender after being jabbed four times with needles to get blood! 0_0 #thejoysofpregnancy

That's all for this week really. 
keep an eye out for my next post... 

thanks for reading X 

Diary Post #60.

Mothers Day 2014. 

Yesterday (Sunday 30th March) was UK Mothers Day & i had the most loveliest day. 

I was woken from my slumber at 9am by my little boy bounding into my bedroom shouting "Happy Mothers Day, mummy" armed with fruit, a card & presents! Together along with my husband we all sat on the bed together whilst I opened my presents & my card.. (with Joel's help) Afterwards I was ushered downstairs & told to sit at the breakfast table & put my feet up whilst my husband made me a cuppa tea & a cooked me a full English breakfast :D #spoilt

The morning soon turned into afternoon & before I knew it we were getting ready to head round to Neil's parents to meet with the rest of the family. Once there we gave Neil's mum her presents (I also sent my mum some flowers & a card, with her living in Cumbria) then we spent the afternoon there, eating, laughing & having some quality family time. 

Overall it was a fantastic day & awesome to see the family, as we don't see to get together all that much these days- it needs to be done more! 

That's all really. 
what did you get up to for Mothers day? let me know ;) X 

Monday, 24 March 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 24.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 24: 

So I am now officially 6 months pregnant! were did that go? I don't even feel 6 months pregnant... as such. 

Symptoms this week are; tiredness & crying all the time at everything -_- my hormones are all over the bloody place, I swear I wasn't this bad when pregnant with Joel!

This week I am also seeing my little lady move around from the outside of my stomach, it is rather awesome! she's so active now it's unreal. I already know I am going to feel lost once she arrives, but I am so excited about finally having her in my arms. Only 15 weeks left to go. 

Me & the hubby have also now finally decided on our lady's pram & as of next week we shall be buying all the "big stuff" needed for her, along with all the little exciting bits such as clothes etc! :D I see my midwife tomorrow for my 24 weeks appointment so I shall up date you all on that in the next post.

That's all for this week! 
thanks for reading. Xxxxx

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Diary Post #59.

Dear Diary... 

So I haven't done one of these sort of posts for a while now... since February in fact. In a way I see that as a positive because it means my life is on track & everything is going so well. It's all thanks to the support I have from my husband, his family & my friends. I also find having a certain friend back in my life has helped alot because we're like glue! we see each other every week & I know I can talk to her about ANYTHING. Don't get me wrong, I know I can talk to my husband about anything too, but he's a guy, & there is nothing better than having a female friend there to have a good girly gossip with. 

I have spent the past few months feeling really good, building bridges were I can & getting back on track with a few people & my life in general. 

"it's feels so good to feel happy." 

I'm learning to open up when I have a problem, my husband even commented a few days ago about how much more I am actually going to him & opening up when I have something on my mind, I think I have finally realized that bottling things up & trying to deal with them alone doesn't always work & the consequences can be deadly. 

On Sunday we took Joel to Temple Newsam, ut was a fantastic day. We took a long walk round the farm with nanna whilst granddad & daddy took the dogs on a long walk. I had to miss out on seeing the baby lambs & goats as there were signs all over warning pregnant women to avoid the sheep & goat pens during lambing season but I still got some photo's thanks to June ;) after the farm we all met up & had our picnic & some ice cream in the sun, before checking out the new park with Joel. It truly was a lovely way to spend a Sunday afternoon. 

I'm not sure if it's just the hormones rushing around in my body due to being almost 6 months pregnant, but just recently I have realized just how happy I am & how bless I am to have the family that I do. I love my two boys (& my little lady) more than anyone in this world. We've had our ups & downs over the years me & Neil, but we've always come through even stronger! Meeting Neil & then having Joel has changed me more than anyone will ever know & I am so proud of who I am today & it's all thanks to these two very special people in my life. i'd go to dust with them, I really would. 

Right now my life honestly cannot get any better... I have the worlds most supporting & loving husband, a beautiful little boy & a precious little girl on the way in July.

I am so HAPPY. <3

Pregnancy Diary. Week 23.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 23:

So this week I am suffering badly with "Pregnancy Nightmares" & it has to be said that waking up in the middle of the night crying at the age of 26 years old, is NOT attractive. 

Other than the nightmares I am feeling great emotionally. I can't actually remember the last time I had a really bad day, today I am a little anxious due to the nightmares, but I am hoping that will pass.

Symptoms this week include; Tiredness, nausea, backache, & a very heavy feeling feeling tummy. My girly is doing well though, very active, she starts kicking the moment I wake of a morning & will sometimes continue throughout the day but there is definetely a pattern, she mostly kicks when I have eaten/drank something & of an evening is when she has her "energy spurts" also, I am not sure if it is classed a "symptom" but I can't help but want to CLEAN EVERYTHING at the moment. I can't keep still for too long, I have to be doing something, I think they call it nesting? but i'm not sure, I never had this when pregnant with Joel.. This pregnancy is different in so many ways.. <3

Over all I am really enjoying my pregnancy & I am getting so excited about finally meeting her in 16 weeks time.. I can't wait. 

That's all for this week, keep a look out for next week's post. 
Thanks for reading. Xxxxx 

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 22.

Dear Diary... 

Week 22:

This week I am truly struggling to keep my baby girl's name under wraps. It's so hard! with Joel I announced his name the moment we found out his sex, & that was that, but this time I didn't want to do that because I wanted something that was secret up until she is born, but now I am not so sure as I am really struggling! Neil doesn't see the reasons why I have kept her name quiet, which is making me want to cave even more! 

I really do think that it will be lovely to announce her name for the first time once she is here, but I am also no good under pressure & keeping secrets, especially exciting secrets of my own! 

Pregnancy this week is pretty quiet, LOTS of movements from little lady, sometimes it actually hurts when she kicks, I know that sounds proper wussy, but she kicks so low down that it also makes me feel slightly nauseous. 

I'm pretty excited about seeing our little lady again in 5 weeks time for our 28 week growth scan! Bring on 16th April.. 

That's all for this week, keep an eye out for next weeks post. 

Tuesday, 4 March 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 21.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 21: 

So this week I am still digesting the fact that our baby girl is HEALTHY & also the fact that she is actually a GIRL! :') Not that I didn't ever want a girl, I just never imagined myself with one! I guess because I already have a boy I was just convinced i'd get another. I have spent this last week looking at loads of girlie bits that I can buy for her in the coming weeks & I am so excited. Also, she finally has her name (which I am not sharing until she is born, sorry) I want to, I really do, but I also think it will be lovely to announce her name for the first time once she has entered the world. 

Other than this, nothing else has really been happening this week. I am getting used to saying "she" instead of "he" jeez, how wrong was I on that, but then on the other hand, it just feels so right. I kinda knew about 2 weeks before I had my scan that we were possibly having a girl, I just got this overwhelming feeling & I wasn't surprised in the slightest when it was confirmed, infact I was over the moon because I was already really set on her name & the fact that I hadn't really paid much attention to a boys name kinda made sense once we knew her gender! 

I am now looking forward to our 28 weeks scan on 16th April when we get to see our girl once again, this is just a routine growth scan & we'll be having another at 34 weeks, then at 36 weeks I see my consultant to sign all the consent forms for my section & at 39+4 my girl will be entering the world!!! eeeek, exciting. :D 

Keep a look out for next weeks post... 
i'm sure it will be exciting, I hope you are enjoying my journey so far? 
thanks for reading. Xxxxx 

Wednesday, 26 February 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 20!

Dear Diary...

Week 20: 

Our beautiful little lady. 

So we are now "officially" half way there *sings Bon Jovi living on a prayer* this week has been such an emotional one for me but today I got the news I was so desperate to hear. 

This morning we attended our 20 weeks anomaly scan, & everything was perfect. I am absolutely over the moon to announce that our babies lungs are perfectly healthy! No signs of CCAM whatsoever. Tracey, the lady who did our scan was so lovely, she showed us everything she was doing & talked us through it all & we even got to see for ourselves how clear our babies lungs are! 

Relieved is not even the word. I am so happy! :D 

After our scan we saw our consultant (or at least one of his colleagues) & she spoke with me about my birth options. I have opted for a section (which was also recommended) due to my difficulty & complications giving birth to Joel three years ago. On top of that I was also terrified of the thought of having to go through natural labor again so her saying "yes, we'll book you in for a planned section" really took some weight off my mind. I just didn't think for a second we would get our date TODAY! :D she told us that we'd be booked in when I reached 36 weeks & then she went on to talk about something else but then came back on to the subject of our section date & asked us if we wanted her to see if she could book us in for our date today.... & I can't believe that she actually managed it. 

So it has now been decided & we are booked in for our little lady to enter the world on 7th July 2014, when I am 39+4 weeks pregnant. I have to see my consultant again at 36 weeks to sign all the consent forms & stuff but other than that I won't really need to see him again until then! unless of course something is seen at our 28 & 34 week growth scans! (I have to have these because of my weight & my BMI being above 30, or at least I think that is why?) either way I don't mind... it means we get to see our little lady two more times before she's here! 

I am so excited, but I am also still in shock. I can't believe that I am actually going to have a daughter, until today, I wasn't sure if I wanted a girl, but now we have been told there is a little girl growing in my womb I couldn't be happier! I now have one of each.. Our family is finally almost complete & I just know already from the bottom of my heart that Joel is going to make the BEST big brother in the world.. He is going to dote on his little sister, I can already see it. 


Later, when we got home, we did a "gender reveal" with a friend. Another friend of mine made me some Cupcakes with pink icing on the inside so we didn't actually tell my other friend the sex of our baby, we just gave her a cupcake, told her to take a bite & that would tell her the sex of our baby! I have never seen her jump up & down so much with excitement! :D It was brilliant. After we had announced the sex of our baby, we also asked her if she would be Joel & little lady's god mum..... I think it's safe to say that she went home this evening one very happy person!! ;) 

That's all to report this week folks! 
Keep tuned for the next update... I hope you are enjoying my pregnancy diary? 

Thank you for reading. Xxxx 

Saturday, 15 February 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 19.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 19: 

So this time next week we'll be a few days away from hopefully finding out the sex of our baby! I am so excited yet so nervous all at the same time. Last night I experienced my first proper kicks from our bean, even my husband felt them! :) 

My waist line is getting bigger & I am beginning to feel really rather pregnant. I am so excited to meet my new baby & it seems to be flying. 

Nothing much else to report or talk about really, the next exciting post will be when we have our scan, so look out for that! 

Thanks for reading. Xxxxx