Thursday, 9 April 2015

Diary post #89 - Life Before My Husband & Children..

Okay i'll be honest here, I don't really like talking about my past, but seen as i've been asked too, I will, but please don't judge me by what you are about to read. 

When I was 9 years old my mum & dad split up, my dad was a massive wife beater, a total fucking scumbag! numerous times we witnessed my mum being beat by this monster I called my "dad" one night he came in our room whilst we were all in bed, (me & my 3 sisters had all climbed into one bed & were cuddled together because we'd heard them shouting & screaming at each other downstairs)  he called us all bastards, told us our mum was a slut, then he dragged her in by her hair, threw her up against the wall & started punching her in the face, right in front of us! me & my 3 sisters somehow managed to push him out of the bedroom & all sit behind the door so he couldn't get back in, all whilst our mum was on conscious on the bedroom floor covered in blood! Thankfully that was the last time he hit my mum, infront of us anyways, she got the courage after being with him 19 years & left him. 

After my mum had left our dad she moved us into a cosy two bedroomed house & a few months down the line, started dating a guy from the army, he seemed nice, showered us with gifts etc etc, but, it didnt last long, a few months down the line whenever our mum was out, he would shout at us, if we left toys/clothes lying around he would shred them/trash them in front of us! one day, me & my sister went on a bike ride & my mum came to pick us up later on & raced us home! when we were putting our bikes in the yard our pup got out, he went looking for our mum! I ran after him, I chased him until I couldn't breathe! he ran into the local chippy & I screamed for people to stop him but nobody did, he then ran out of the chippy & down onto the main road, my mum was over the other side....... when I got round the corner it was the worse scene i'd ever seen in my life, I was 9 & half & our pup was laid in the road wailing in pain after being hit by a passing bus.! an image that will to this day never leave me! I will never forget my mum walking up the backstreet cuddling him in her arms breaking her heart. when we got home, her fella was there & he sent us to our room & my mum took the pup to the vet, whilst she was out he came into our room, ordered us all to remove our pants & underwear & lie on our bellies side by side.... what happened next was horrific! He removed his belt from his jeans & began to hit us one by one over & over until we were all screaming for him to stop! Days later my mum came home from the vet & told us that our pup had gone to heaven. to this day I have blamed myself :( Just thinking about all this makes me shiver. We never told our mum about her fella beating on us, we assumed she knew, but eventually her relationship with him fizzled out & he disappeared.

Schooling & Teenage Years:

I developed "issues" I never trusted men, I was to say the least, a bit of a "rebel" when I was in school, I started off as the "teachers pet" but as I got older & started senior school I got bullied a fair bit so I began to change. I wanted to be like the "in crowd" I started to back chat the teachers just so the bullies would think I was cool, my grades dropped & a few times I was placed on "report" for my behavior. when I left school I attended 6 form college for 2 years & by this point I had formed a decent circle of friends & was no longer a "rebel" but I was to say the least, very immature! I was the clown, the one that made everybody laugh, the one that sorted everybody's relationship problems, the one that gave everybody a shoulder to cry on & advice! I thought that if I sorted everybody else, nobody would question me, therefore I could hide my pain & my past. 

Me & my friends would spend nights in our local park hanging out in the kids area playing on the swings & trying to be all "hard" but really all we looked was immature & silly.When I was 17 I started going out drinking with other friends & hit it off with a 26 year old & ended having a one night stand :o (my biggest regret ever by the way) I continued to drink for a fair few months (until my body couldn't take the alcohol no more) it was my way of blocking out my life!

Meeting the Man Who Changed my Life Forever:

Just before my 18th Birthday I met Neil, & something inside my head clicked, it was like a switch.... I was SMITTEN & straight away I didn't want to drink, I didn't want to hang out with my friends I just wanted to be with him, I needed him to make everything okay. The first 5 months of our relationship was based on phone calls & texts (with us living 150 miles apart) I told him everything, he was the first person I EVER opened up too. I guess at first I kinda saw him like abit of a fatherly figure but then as our relationship got more serious & we finally met up I started seeing him more as my best friend & my lover obviously, the only person I would & could tell everything too & he wouldn't judge me. 

2 years after getting together when I was 19, He proposed, I then uprooted & moved to live with him in Leeds. I left my family & my friends behind & fell into his arms every night, I was in utter love. I still am.

A year after that we got married, I never really wanted kids, I was too much of one myself, but then when I was 21 I started feeling differently, I started to get broody, all I could think of was having my own child & giving them the childhood I never had.. we started trying & just before my 23 birthday I gave birth to our son..! again I was smitten. I also gave bvirth to his sister just before my 27th birthday, & everyday that I wake up & to my children, I never want them to ever go through what I did. I want them to have everything I never had, a happy childhood & a loving, happy home life. Meeting Neil & becoming a parent saved me. I still have my issues & suffer with manic depression/anxiety but all I have to do when i'm having a bad day is look at my children & I know that I did something right. 

I have my days when I think I dont want to be here anymore, people would be better off without me, but thats all my issues biting me in the arse & when I do think sanely, I know that for JOEL & FELICITY, I need to get through this, they need their mummy & I need them.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Diary Post #88. - The raw truth of "Manic Depression"

Dear Diary

I need to get this off my chest... I suffer with Manic Depression. I have recently been through three lots of brainn surgery to correct my VP Shunt & this has caused me memory loss & so I have been forgetting to pop down to the chemist to collect my prescription for my anti-depressants. which aso means I went a good 13 days with no medication & on Saturday (4th April) I totally flipped my lid.

Thankfully my children weren't home to witness it, they had gone out with my hubbys parents for the afternoon, but they did have to bring the children back early because I had gone completely bonkers. I can't even begin to explain it, it was like I had been completely taken over by something else, I could see what I was doing but I couldn't stop myself. My husband ended up locking me out when I walked out of the house, & when I came back to "pack my bags because I was leaving" the door was locked & I couldn't get in, so I decided to walk round into the back garden pick up a large wooden bedding plant pot & launch it at the kitchen window.. thankfully my wrist gave way as I through it & it bounced off the window cill! (however I did sprain my wrist) the next thing I knew my neighbor was stood next to me trying to calm me down & she managed to convince me to go over to hers to calm down.. Once I had I headed back home, & when I walked in the door I found my hubbys parents there, but when I said I was leaving they both said together "you're not taking the kids" she I screamed back "oh yes I am" & ran upstairs, opened my wardrobe & started throwing holdall bags & clothes onto my bed. my mother in law then came upstairs to calm me down & after screaming & shoutinf at her too I fell to pieces on my bedroom floor.. so it ended up me on the floor in a heap & my mother in law holding me tight, stroking my hair & wiping my tears as I totally & completely broke down.

& what was even worse, was that I spent the rest of Saturday & the whole of Sunday feeling guily as hell for telling Neil that I was leaving & calling the police (because he'd tried holding me down to calm me but because of things that have happened in the past, which is a different story, I totally freaked out & this is when I flipped.) I felt devastated that I ended up in a screaming match with the one women who I see as my second mum & who has been there for me since I was 17 years old (i'm just so glad she knows me, she told me that she knew it wasn't me so to speak, but I still felt awkward as hell when we went for tea on Sunday.. I love my husband to death, we've had so much going off since last year when he lost his job, & on top of that I have been through so much in the past few months with my surgeries & I just think that Saturday was the end of my teather! I needed that realease (although I wish to god that it wasn't that bad)

Feeling ashamed & guilty are the worst two combinations ever. So on Monday I took myself away from social media & I concentrated on what was important to me! MY FAMILY. we had a lovely Bank Holiday Monday, in the morning Neil's mum & dad came around & took the children out for a few hours (no arguments occured this time) then in the afternoon we all went out for a nice long walk in the afternoon sun, which was exactly what I needed, to blow them cobwebs away. I linked arms with my mother in law, we talked, I cried a little & it really helped me to feel better (along with the fact that my "happy pills" are now starting to get back into my system) I also spoke to one of my friends, my husbands best friend, Jamie, & he helped me through my dark patch too! I think if I am honest with myself, I am going to feel a little raw & guilty about what happened on Saturday for a little longer yet, but I guess that is the raw truth of a mental illness. I know it wasn't me & that I wasn't myself, & everybody has told me that it wasn't my fault. so now I am concentrating on healibg my wounds & getting on with my life the best I can with my husband, children & my family all behind me supporting me every step of the way. 

I know that I can do this now. 
I have to beat depression, because on Saturday, it almost beat me. 

Friday, 3 April 2015

Diary post #87 - House hunting.

Dear Diary... 

This last week we have been looking for a new house, a new house that we can call home! we desparately need to get out of this place now! it is drowning in damp & the landlord doesn't seem to give two flying wanks! He came round on Sunday, told us that they were thinking of converting the house into a three bedroom, which we thought was amazing, until he said "oh no, I mean that will be once you have moved out, OR if you buy the house?!" yeah because were going to buy a house that we've been having problem after problem with since November 2014.. no thanks! 

So on Tuesday (31st March) we went to view a three bedroom house that admittedly I totally fell in love with, but the truth was, it was too far out. there was no schools, no shops & not even any bus stops near by! the house was more for a family that owned a car, & considering we don't we had to say no! I wasn't disappointed for too long though, as I decided to get straight back online & start looking for another house, & we also came to the decision that with money being rather short at the moment we are going to narrow down our search, & instead of going for a 3 bedroomed house straight away were going to look for a two bedroom house instead, both of our children are stil young so are able to share a room for a fair few years yet, then once our "finances" pick up, we can search for a 3 bedroom house! 

On Tuesday (7th April) we are viewing a house not to far away from my mother in law, (i'm quite excited) it looks like a lovely little house, its two bedrooms & it even has a lovely little garden for our children, which is a bonus! I can't really promise anything but I am hoping that I dont instantly fall in love like I did first time round just incase it isnt the house for us! although I am pretty sure it is as Neil has already said how nice it looks! (which is another bonus as Neil doesn't really go by "pictures" like I do)

Please keep your fingers crossed for us that this house is the one & that we don't have to spend any longer looking for somewhere else to live! I really can't wait to get out of here, maybe then my children's health will improve with them not having to live in a house drowning in damp, because it really is disgusting the conditions we have are currently having to live in! I actually can't believe the landlord is on about "doing the house up" & then selling it on, it needs knocking down, not selling on in my opinion. 

The NUMBER #1 crafts page on facebook - Doughy Delights & Crafts.

Today's featured post is the amazing Doughy Delights & Crafts page on Facebook that is run by the very talented Claire Rashy

If you are looking to buy peronalised gifts or even keepsakes for your children/family then it is an absolute MUST that you get your bums over to Doughy Delights & Crafts & place your orders with Claire who has been running her business page for 3 years now & I myself have even made purchases which have been out of this world. 

check them out.. 

Claire's page also features frequent giveaways! which I find personally, really helps people feel involved in her page & the work that she does. 

I have never met Claire in person myself but I do think she is a very inspriational woman & very talented indeed, & I guess all that is left to say is, I hope that you all head over to Doughy Delights & Crafts & that you all enjoy Claire's page & her awesome creations that she puts all of her heart & soul into as much as I do! 

Keep up the fantastic work Claire. 

- To be involved in the latest giveaway over at Doughy Delights & Crafts then click here...

Thursday, 26 March 2015

Diary post #86. **I got the all clear**

This just about fits my mood when I walked out of the hospital this afternoon!

Dear Diary, 

Today I had my "six weeks check" with the surgeon who did all of my surgery's to fix my shunt in January & February & I am over the moon to tell you all that today he discharged me! I also found out that I actually have two fully working shunts in my head now that is draining excess fluid from my brain.. it was revealed after my second operation that just the one shunt wasnt working as it was taking on too much fluid so it kept blocking & this is why I was given a third surgery to have a shunt placed in the left side of my head, & apparently having two working shunts is very rare, so I kinda feel really cool.. all of this also means that I DEFINETELY get to travel home & see my family in April, yeeyy. I can't even explain the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders this afternoon..I was able to ask questions that have been worrying me & I just feel so much better. 

This whole appointment has clearly been bothering me more than I actually knew, because when I walked out of that hospital I just felt so happy & for the past few days I have been a nervous wreck! so now I can get on with life & relax. I told him about the headaches I have been having & I also explained that I am waiting on some glasses, so he asked me to describe my headaches to him, & thank god he didnt seem concerned in the slightest, but he did tell me that I needed to know that there is a 30% chance that a shunt can fail within the first year of it being put in, but he's confident enough that he doesnt need to see me again, & if anything does go wrong then I am not to call my doctor, but to call the ward that I was on after my surgerys & they will sort me out straight away, which was very reassuring, & in all honesty I think that is all I have needed, just some reasurance because now I feel great & feeling great feels good. 

Giveaway with Parental Journey.

Today I recieved a message from Marina at Parental Journey asking me if I wanted to join in with a GIVEAWAY that she was doing on her page! of course I accepted & now I want to share it with you guys... 

you can join in with Parental Journeys giveaway by clicking here...

Also, don't forget to follow Parental Journey's blog here.

Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Diary Post #85 ~ 6 weeks check... finally ~

Dear Diary.. 

I am now 8 weeks post first surgery.. & because I was taken back into hospital for a four surgery in Febuary, I haven't yet had my "6 weeks check" this is what will be happening tomorrow afternoon (Wednesday) I have an appointment with the guys who did my shunt surgeries.. & I am not going to lie, I am really nervous. I have been feeling really agitated & low all day because I have been convincing myself that when I do go he is going to tell me that something is wrong & I am not going to be coming home.. 

I am not going to lie, I have been having a lot of headaches recently, BUT I am also waiting on new glasses, which I can collect on Saturday after having my sight test yesterday (Tuesday) but I have also been having nausea & shooting pains in my shunt tubing.. I am kinda hoping that this is all just my tube expanding now that everything is beginning to settle down, I really don't think I could go through anymore surgery. 

I am just really hoping that I get the all clear so that I can finally travel home & see my family.. please keep your fingers crossed for me. 

Friday, 20 March 2015

Diary post #84! *I got FEATURED - 25+ Indoor Activities by Parental Journey.*

Dear Diary.. 

I am so excited & so thrilled that I could actually burst. 

A few days ago Marina from Parental Journey asked me if I would like to join in along with other fellow bloggers on an article that she was writing about indoor activities with your children.

You can check out her brilliant article here & find out what Joel's favorite activity is.

I would like to thank Marina from the bottom of my heart for considering me to be apart of her blog. It is an amazing opportunity, one that I shall definetely never be forgetting any time soon. 

Follow Parental Journey's blog here..

Thursday, 19 March 2015

A MUST Follow :)


Hey guys & girls this is my best friend Katie Wearing & she is trying her very hardest to spread awareness for her life long condition that is EDS (Elders Danlos Syndrome) I would very much appreciate it, as would Katie i'm sure. If you could please check out her blog pages & Facebook pages.. 

I have supplied all the links below, don't forget to punch that "like" button guys.. please :) 

Facebook Pages:

Blog Pages: