Saturday, 24 September 2016

Going back to Younique.

Dear Diary.. 

So over the last 5 months I have been feeling a little lost since I left Younique, I am not going to lie, when I left Younique I made a quick decision to jump into another MLM company & kid myself that I could make that work - it was like a really bad break-up, I left Younique, something I adore, & then jumped into something else so I didn't have to think about how much I was hurting.. & at first, I really enjoyed it, but it was so different to Younique, how they did things, they didn't do it as a team like they do with Younique, it's pretty much, someone gets you to sign up with them & then it's every man for himself. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, a lot of people find they can work a business better like that, but not me, I loved the team effort that was Younique, I loved the buzz it gave me, & the tension when you were close to a promotion, being apart of Younique is probably the first time in my life that I can say I truly found myself, I have been through a lot of shit in my life, emotionally, physically & mentally, so when I came across Younique after a friend had signed up, it was like I was given a new lease of life, I wasn't used to people being nice to me, I wasn't used to people helping me, all I had in my life previous was drama, so to say Younique changed me was an understatement. 

when I was 9 years old I watched my mum get beat by my dad, & then months after she had left him, another man came into her life & he abused myself & my sisters on a daily basis & my mum knew nothing about it, then when I was 14 years old I watched a friend commit suicide, run out into the road & throw himself under a car,  I was bullied all threw school, I got jumped twice as a teen when I was walking home, & when I was 14 weeks pregnant with my daughter, I was grabbed by a bloke & sexually assaulted.. so when I found out wht Younique stand for, & what selling mascara's really is all about, I was blown away, it became my passion, but then 6 months into doing Younique I got in with the wrong crowd, a bunch of "bent" presenters that ran a raffle page & all fixed raffles for one an other, & thinking about it now, I have no idea what made me think that this was a good idea.. but I went along with it anyways, but eventually I was singled out, ganged up on & dropped in the shit, so after servere bullying I decided to leave Younique.. I made a massive mess & hurt a lot of people in the process which I am truly sorry for. I have spent the last 5 months beating myself up for doing what I did. 

Until one day a couple of weeks ago I made a massive decision, I didn't want to do Acti-Labs & play pretend that I was happy in what I was doing, because I wasn't, & i'm pretty sure people could see I was just playing pretend because I didn't sell anything in the whole 5 months I was with Acti-Labs, I made exactly £28 commission in 5 months, & it just wasn't worth it, so I left, swallowed by pride, grabbed my balls & contacted my Uplines from Younique.... & because I was brave & did so, I have been given a second chance that I am NOT EVER going to blow. for me, its all by the rules now, I want to build my business properly, & I want to build a business with a company that I love, which is Younique. 

so on November 18th, I am re-joining Younique & starting my adventure again, from the bottom, but I won't be there for long. As well as feeling scared, nervous, I am also really excited & truly grateful for this second chance, I am going to show absolutely everyone what I am made of, I am going to build the trust & friendships of those I hurt once more & I am going to quite frankly kick ass.  

Sunday, 7 August 2016

My not so little boy.

I cannot believe that in just 5 weeks time, my not so little boy is going to be 6 years old!! it only feels like yesterday that I met you for the first time & was sat cradling you in my arms, tears streaming down my face because I knew what a battle you still had ahead of you! but with every breathe you have taken, & with every bit of strength & determination, you have shown me, & everyone around you, just how strong of a person you truly are. you defined the odds & you made it into this world, you fought like a true warrior at 14 months old, & you have gone on to blossom & make my heart glow with pride every day since! you are my world, you are my warrior, & you will forever be my beautiful baby boy, even when you are grown & have a family of your own.

Friday, 29 July 2016

Severe Neuropathy Nerve Damage due to surgery? - Add it to the list.

Dear Diary..

So for the past 3 weeks I have been suffering with a weakness in my left side, migraines, nausea & blurred vision. after 4 days of no sleep & being in constant pain, I decided to give the neurology ward at Leeds General Infirmary a call, I spoke to a shunt specialist, & he advised that I went in for a scan to see what was going on!

when I got to the hospital, I was taken into a room with Hugh & he went over everything that had been going on with me & decided that a scan was definitely needed, so I was then sent down for a CT scan... after I had my scan, I was then told that one of my vessels in my brain looked paler than it should & that I may well have suffered a small stroke, so then they had to get the stroke team to look my scan over, a few hour later I was visited by a stroke specialist who thankfully, ruled out a stroke, & put it down to Neuropathy nerve damage! I was then seen by a neurologist that explained everything that was going on in my body, & he placed me on some new medication & is wanting to see me again in a few weeks & has also said that I may-well need to attend physio & I am to see him again on 8th September to see how I am getting along with my medication! fingers crossed it works, because this pain is awful!

Monday, 25 July 2016

School is OUT for SUMMER.

Dear Diary... 

On Friday my beautiful boy broke up from school for the summer & finished reception!
He was very excited to see his teachers Mrs Thomas & his TA, Mr Hopes to give them their presents when he got to school, although he had it in his head that he's never going to see them again.. so Mr Hopes sat down with Joel & explained to him that he will still see Mr Hopes & Mrs Thomas again next year, everyday in fact, they will just be teaching younger children because Joel is a big grown up bot now so he will be moving into Miss Harrison's class which is a bigger class for older little boys! the look of excitement that then spread across Joel's face was amazing..... I almost shed a tear myself. 

Joel has grown up so much in this last year, & I couldn't be anymore proud if I tried. 

Saturday, 16 July 2016

#BRAVETHESHAVE for Macmillan Cancer Support.

Dear Diary...

Today me & Joel "braved the shave" & went bald for Macmillan Cancer Support.  I cannot even put into words of how PROUD I am of Joel today.. The boy is 5 years old & he decided all by himself 2 weeks ago that he wanted to shave his head with me today to 'raise money for poorly boys & girls' - his words! 

He is the most selfless, loving & caring little boy I have ever known, & I am not just saying this because 'he's my son' its true! he's amazing & it actually brought a tear to my eye in the hair dressers today when he was doing something HE wanted to do, just to help others!

I am seriously the PROUDEST mum in the entire world!! I love you Joelybum!πŸ’›πŸŽ—πŸŽ—

So far we have managed to raise an awesome, £165 for Macmillan! & we are hoping to reach our target, which is set at £200.. Our Just Giving Page will be running until October time, & can be found HERE.. so if you would like to donate & help us to reach our target, just click the link & donate as much or as little as you would like! it doesn't matter what it is, because every penny counts, & it is all for an amazing cause!

I would also like to say a MASSIVE thank you to everyone who has donated to us so far, it really does mean the absolute world.  

Tuesday, 5 July 2016

Felicity Rae-Ellen, turns 2 years old.

Dear Diary.. 

For the past couple of weekends we have been celebrating my beautiful little ladybug's second birthday. on 25th June, we had her birthday party at my mother in laws house, one week before her birthday, this was due to my mother & father in law being due to fly to Austria on 4th July, the day after Felicity's actual birthday, so instead, so that all the family could celebrate with her, we had her party the weekend before her actual birthday. 

We celebrated at my husbands parents house (due to them having a bigger garden than us) & it turned out to be a lovely day, a few of Felicity's friends from nursery also turned up, alongside family & she had the best day, playing in the garden with friends, opening presents & stuffing her face! 

Felicity loved her dad, she received a lot of presents from her friends & some family that wouldn't be seeing her on her actual birthday.. she was truly spoilt.

At the end of the party after all Felicity's friends had gone home, my mum in law put on a BBQ for the family, as we all don't get to see each other all that much these days, so Felicity's party was the perfect occasion to crack open some alcoholic beverages & have some family time. 

A week later we celebrated my beautiful girls 2nd Birthday.. for reals, I was really surprised at how excited she was & how much she actually knew what was going on around her! she is so intelligent for the age of 2 years old, so much more developed than her lazy big brother was at that age ;) 

I think this year Joel suffered with his first experience of a slight bit of jealousy.. but Felicity was more than happy to let him help her open her presents, so he soon got over it. I just love how caring my children are towards each other & how much they love to be involved in everything each other is doing.. makes me feel so blessed, there may well be an almost 4 year age gap between them, but that just makes it so much more special because Joel is always there to look out for Felicity & she always looks up to her big brother & never leaves him out. 


The morning was spent with Joel & Felicity engrossed in playing with all of Felicity's new toys & I think it is safe to say, their favorite toy to play with together has to be the Elephant ball popper we bought, they have had hours of fun laughing their arses off at it already. 

In the afternoon, the in laws came over for a few hours to give Felicity her presents & basically to see the kids before they jetted off to Austria in the early hours of Monday morning! they spend a few hours with us, playing with Joel & Fliss in the garden, & we also did cake too!! although she had a cake for her party, I also wanted one for her birthday too, so I got the lady who does my childrens cake each year to do me two cakes, one for her party & then a smaller one for her actual birthday, & it was so pretty... & yummy!

Just before tea time we said goodbye to Nanna & Granddad & then Joel & Felicity went to play in the garden & wait for the ice cream van... come on, what's a birthday without cake AND ice cream? ;) we then spent the next hour playing in the garden, Joel & Felicity have scooter races & me, falling on my arse trying to get pictures.... no, sorry, I don't have any pictures of that "incident" 

Overall Felicity had an amazing birthday & when bedtime rolled around, which was just slightly later than her usual time, because she was having for much fun, daddy had no problems getting her settled... he didnt even get chance to finish their "bedtime song" before she was snoring softly.

Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Married for 8 years today - WOW.

- 8 years ago today you made me the happiest girl in the world when I became your wife, & ever since you have always been there, you lift me up when I am down, you wipe my tears when I cry & you encourage me in everything I do!😘

I love you so much, thank you for picking me out of I don't know how many woman onlineπŸ˜‚ I love you with all my heart, forever & always. Happy anniversary babe.πŸ’πŸ’–πŸ’– I can't believe I have been married to you 8 years today!πŸ’ we have had our ups & downs like every couple does, but every time we only come out stronger, even when I abused you with fish fingers!πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ I love you so much, here's to the next 8 years baby!πŸ’‘πŸ’–πŸ’–

Monday, 6 June 2016

Race For Life 2016 - At Temple Newsam, Leeds.

Dear Diary..

On Sunday 5th June 2016, I did the race for life with my mother in law. My first time doing it in 2 years due to last year I was recovering from 3 lots of brain surgery, & the year before I was 38 weeks pregnant with my daughter Felicity. It was an amazing day & I loved every second of it, & as usual, I cannot wait for next year. 

We set off for Temple Newsam in Leeds where the event was being held at 10am, the race started at 11am, it took us approx 20 minutes to get there, & when we did, the atmosphere was utter electric. so many people had turned up to join in this fantastic & amazing event, it was literally A SEA OF PINK! an army of women all raising money for the same thing. to kill Cancer. we did a warm up which was so much fun, everyone bouncing around & dancing, completely buzzing with excitement, it is definitively one occasion I am was proud to be apart of. we then all set off at 11am. first the runner went, then the joggers shortly behind & then us, the walkers, following behind the joggers. 

The weather couldn't have turned out any better. it was a gorgeous day & everyone was in such high spirits, you could hear people chatting among themselves, some where chanting & sitting & others where laughing & telling jokes! my & my mum in got talking about all sorts, the best time for a good natter & a catch up! we got to the huge hill, the one thing I was wuite worried about, I wasnt sure that I would get up it, because like I said, I hadn't done it for 2 years, & its really rather a big big hill! but I did it, with even realizing, my mum in law said to me, well we're the top & I was like "eh, what?" & when I looked back we had walked all the way to the top, & I was so busy talking I hadn't even thought about it. 

whilst we walking we also past some cows, that were very friendly, & where all stood at the gate watching us as we walked b, so I plodded over & took some pictures, as you do.. & then we carried on walking & before I knew it, we were near the flower gardens, about 15 minutes away from the finish line, we had almost one it, I had almost done it, & I hadn't even broken a sweat! we finally got to the finish line & awaitng us was my father in law, my husband & our two children at the barriers clapping us on.. Joel & fliss wanted to finish with us, so they climbed over the barriers & crossed the finish line with us! it was immense! at te finish line I got a bottle of water (I was thirsty as mad) a little snack & my medal!

I am so proud of myself, especially after everything that I have been through myself in the last 16 months, when you put your own health problems to aside, just for one day, to do something for hundreds of other people out there suffering & fighting a fight that is so much bigger & worse than yours, it feels absolutely amazing! 

I cannot wait for 16th July 2016, when I will be taking part in my second charity event & shaving my head for Macmillan Cancer Suppport, so keep your eyes peeled for that post, 

& thank you for taking the time to read this one! Xxx 

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

- Living life with Hydrocephalus - The story behind my scars.

On September 30th, 1987 I was born at 27 & half weeks. I was born so early, my lungs weren't properly formed & were therefore just a huge mass that didn't work. My placenta also came away inside my mothers womb, so I was actually born dead. Thankfully surgeons manage to get my heart beating again, but I suffered a 50% ventricular brain hemorrhage & it was a race against time to save my life. was born in Barrow in Furness, Cumbria, & after they managed to get me breathing & stable again I was then transferred over to Leeds General infirmary by ambulance were I was to undergo major brain surgery to get a vp-shunt placed in my head to start helping drain the excess fluid from my brain (hydrocephalus) which was caused by the brain bleed. The journey to Leeds was 3 hours long, to which a paramedic spent the whole time hand pumping air into my lungs with a bag to keep me alive because they were so fragile that if they had of used a machine my lungs would have quite literally blown up! Once I arrived at Leeds I had to have a procedure called a Shunt Tap that meant a needle was placed into the center of my brain to ease the pressure & release as much fluid as possible before I had surgery. I was only a few hours old when this was done. I then had to go through a 9 hour surgery to get the shunt placed into my skull so that it could do the job of draining the fluid. Altogether I spent 7 months in Leeds General Neonatal Unit recovering from a brain hemorrhage & having major brain surgery! I was one very sick baby, but I manage to pull through & I am here to tell my story. 

When I was 16 years old, doctors told were going to operate & remove the bottom lobes of both my lungs, but when they did xrays it was revealed that my bronchiectasis was spread right throughout both of my lungs so nothing could be done. I don't really know many people who are adults & live with this disease, I tend to know of friends who have babies with it, so I don't tend to talk about it. Today I am almost 29 years old, & although I have been left with severe lung disease for the rest of my life, & I also live with two fully working vop-shunts in my brain draining excess CSF Fluid (Cerebal Spinal Fluid) off my brain, I don't let things define or defeat me.. well at least I try. I live my life to the fullest as you really don't know what is around each corner. Ever since I was a baby, I have always had my mum by my side throughout all of my brain surgeries, so having to go through four surgeries alone, all on my own last year was really quite terrifying! of course though, my mum was constantly on the phone to my husband being updated, & she even phoned the neurology ward herself a few times especially seen as she knew exactly what it would be that they were doing! but I still cant imagine how hard it must have been for her being over 100+ miles away from me whilst I was going through all that on my own - I know it would break my heart if it was any of my children. They definitely don't call it "Mummy intuition" for nothing, if I hadn't of called my mum to have a winge about my headaches a few days before, & she hadnt of urged me to go to hospital, I may-well have not been here writing this today. I love my mum, & even when we are hundreds of miles apart she is still there, keeping me safe & looking after me. 

On Monday 26th January 2015, I phoned my mum for our usual natter, but I got talking about how i'd had a headache for almost 3 days & that an unusal lump had developed under my shunt valve & that it was getting bigger, I didn't think it was anything too serious to be honest, & I was just going to go to bed & then call the doctor in the morning, but the urgency in my mums voice actually scared me, she told me to call an ambulance right away & get to the hospital, so I did just that. when I got to A+E everything happened really quite fast, I was rushed off for a CT Scan, & within just a few hours I was face to face speaking to a neurosurgeon (Mr Thomson) who was telling me that my shunt had broken & blocked & that I needed to go down to theater straight away to have it fixed. He then left to scrub & a nurse entered to put a canular in my arm & I just totally broke down - this was the first time that I had ever done this alone, & 27 years old or not, I was terrified of being put to sleep. I was then taken down for my first lot of surgery at 2am early hours Tuesday morning, & then later that day, I was rushed down again (so 2 surgeries within 12 hours) because the shunt wasnt positioned properly so wasnt draining like it should of been doing. I was still suffering a headache, & by this point I had started to vomit too.  To be honest though, I dont quite remember much of what happened after that.... I was way too out of it & poorly, although the one thing I do remember is a nurse telling me that she was going to put me a cathetor in because I kept wetting the bed! o.O wtf? Wednesday morning rolled round & after 2 lots of surgery I was actually feeling quite good. although I was still having that pain in the arse headache so I just spent the day resting up & sleeping & if my CT scan came back okay on Thursday then I could go home. ONly on Thursday morning, I woke up feeling nauseousm I couldnt face eating & I could barely lift my head off the bed without vomiting, so I was placed on "nil by mouth" & monitored for the rest of the day which I spent either crying in pain or sleeping. (fun) at around 3pm I was taken for another CT scan, which revealed that my shunt had again blocked, so Mr Thomson made the decision that he was going to fix my shunt AGAIN but also place a second shunt on the left side of my head just behind my ear because one on its own wasnt handling the extra accumulation of CFS fluid & kept blocking under the strain. This meant that I had now been through 3 brain surgeries in as little as 3 days. I went down to theater around 5pm on Thursday evening & when I came back round properly, I was back on the wars & it was 1..45pm! I remember this so clearly because for the first time since being admitted on Monday I didn't have a headache! I kept telling the nurse,, I don't have a headache, thats good right? & thankfully she agreed. I slept right through Thursday night & was told it was the most peaceful the nurses had seen me! Friday morning I was gorggy & a bit dizzy from the drugs, but still no headache (yey) & I was starving! I totally demolished four pieces of toast, 3 cups of tea, & 2 bowls of cereal! I had another ct scan Friday morning & finally, it revealed that everything was working as it should be! so I was also told that if I was ready, I could go home later that day. I was discharged Friday 30th January in the evening & my husband & father in law came to collect me from the hospital.

I was back at home for 10 days,  & around day 6, I had noticed that the area around my stomach scaring had swelled, I asked a nurse about it when I went to have my head stitches out & she didn't seem concerned - or even arsed when I think back now! then on Tuesday 9th February, I sat on the sofa with my husband to watch a film & all we heard was a giant POP & suddenly I was soaked in fluid.. my husband joked at first & asked me if I was pregnant & if my waters had just gone.... I was literally dripping the scaring was leaking & it wasn't stopping, it was running like a tap!so again I phoned my mum for her advice & she said to go back upto the hospital, so off I went... again! as soon as I got there, I was sent straight up to the neurology ward where a ct scan & an xray was done, by this point I totally knew what was coming & that I was going back down to theater! great! my fourth operation in as little as 15 days! I was told that the tubing that runs from my brain & into my bladder had dislodged & was sitting just above my stomach cavity & so the fluid that was draining off my brain was then building up behind my scar & that is why it split. Had I not once again listened to my mum, & gone to the hospital it could have been very dangerous & had an infection got in there it would of had a clear run straight up the tube & to my brain! very scary. At 1am Tuesday morning I was taken into theater & whilst I was there it took surgeons 7.5 hours to fix me, but thankfully they didn't have to go back into my head & do a full revision & were able to just fix the tubes, my tubes are now stitched into a main vein in my stomach so that they cant pop out again! On Wednesday I was plagued with headaches due to them wiggling everything about & disturbing my tubes, so I spent the majority of the day sleeping, but then I woke up Thursday I was feeling loads better, I awt breakfast, I got up & sat in the chair & I even managed to have a little shower to freshen myself up! then when the doctors came round they said that if I felt ready I could go home - again! 

I have now beaten my personal record of surgery's on my shunt, I have been down to theatre 3 times before in just a few days, but never 4 times! I am now 16 months post op, & to be honest, its been hellish! I have not had a single break for migraines! I have been in & out of the Neurology ward a few times but nothing has shown up on scans to say anything is wrong, so I am basically living like this at the moment, I went to my GP last week May 2016) & I asked him to change my migraine medication because it just wasn't working anymore & the worst thing happened..... He has decided that it would be best all round if I am referred back to my neurosurgeon as from the symptoms I have given him, he doesnt want to prescribe me anything different just in case it is due to my shunts in slow failure. great) so I am now awaiting an appointment, spending the majority of my days sleeping in bed due to huge amounts of pressure in my head & migraines that come & go, nausea, serious memory loss & dizzy spells! oh how it's fun being me. 

One day is all I ask, just one day where I am headache free... is that really too much to ask? fingers crossed this appointment comes through soon, because I really am almost at the end of my rope... i've had enough!