My name is Jharmain Mortimer (Jharr) I am 26 years old. I have suffered with depression since I was 19 years old. I have had some hard times, but I have also been blessed with a beautiful, full time energetic, three year old toddler named Joel & our beautiful daughter Felicity who came into our world on 3rd July 2014. The hard times have taught me much, & have helped me to become the women & Mummy that I am today. I still have my bad days but I also have my good days. It is the amazing support from family & those few friends that helps me want to fight & become a stronger person. I originally set up my blog so that I had my own bit of personal space to write down feelings! now I try to blog on a daily basis or whenever I can, I mostly like to talk about life in general, the joys of being a Mummy & wife, & how I live my life day to day coping with the ups & downs of Depression. I would like to think that any other Mums & Dads out there that suffer with depression & are reading my blog, find that it is helpful to them in some way or another because after all, depression isn't anything to be ashamed of. I like to be fairly open on alot of my topics because it is one of my ways that I find helps me to cope. People that choose to name call & label me for having a Blog are only defining themselves. :)

Always remember; Depression isn't weakness, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. depression is a sign of strength, because it means no matter how weak your mind might be to you, your heart is still strong enough to feel. hold your head up high & be proud of who you are! ~

Friday, 29 August 2014

Three positives a day.... Day 34.

Day 34. 

1,2 &3.) 

These 8 week jabs have knocked my ladybug for 6! she's been sleeping most of the day on & off & when she is awake she is so groggy! & to think she's got another 2 sets to come yet.. she's had 9oz of milk all day today &1oz of water & I keep freaking thinking that she's not had enough & she'll dehydrate & get really ill!! whoever said when you're a mum second time round its easy because you remember everything is talking bollocks!! Felicity is soo different to Joel, when he had his 8 week jabs even though he slept a lot you could guarentee he'd be awake bang on feed time, because he was & still is, a huge pig!! Felicity on the other hand only just takes 5oz, sometimes she takes 4oz & at 8 week old Joel was on 7-8oz! so, totally different! 

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

Three positives a day.... Day 32.

Positives of the day. 

Day 32. 

1,2 & 3)

Today I visited my doctor to speak about my low moods. After a long chat & me telling her what has been happening, we decided that the best course of action was for me to go back onto my medication for a little while.. at first I felt like this was defeat because I worked so hard to get off my medication, but then I looked at it from another angle, when I was pregnant with Joel, I wasn't diagnosed with post natal depression until he was 8 months old, I was too scared to see a doctor, & by the time I did, I was an absolute complete mess! 

This time round though, I have noticed the signs myself & actually had the courage to go & ask for help! This to me is a win! I will stay in charge of my moods, even if that means being on medication, it's not the end of the world, & i'd rather be a happy mum thats medicated than a miserable one who isnt. <3


Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Three positives a day... Day 31.

Positives for the day. 

Day 31. 

1,2 & 3.) 

After 2 years, today Joel's case was closed with his speech therapist! she thinks his speech has come on amazingly & she doesnt have any concerns whatsoever & therefore didnt think there was any reasons for seeing him again! he was proper chatting her head off today & out of 100 flash cards he only struggled with one! i'm so proud of my boy.. 

Thumbs up for no more speech therapy! #proudmummy

Monday, 25 August 2014

Three positives a day.... Day 30.

Positives of the day. 

Day 30.

1) Today has been a snuggle up on the sofa & do nothing day, we've literally just spent the day watching tv & snuggling. 

2) Found myelf getting really stressed out this afternoon because Felicity has literally done nothing but cry, so instead of breaking down & bawling my eyes out, I took myself off into the kitchen for 5 minutes, took a deep breathe, & then went back into the livingroom to sort her out, really quite proud of myself. 

3) its the middle of August & i've had my heating on! had to put all the clothes on the radiators due to the naff weather outside.

Here is a picture of my beautiful creations having a cuddle.. I love how protective of Felicity Joel is! 

Sunday, 24 August 2014

Three positives a day.... Day 29.

Positives for the day. 

Day 29. 

1.) Today I did the ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE for the MND (ALS) charity & I also donated £3 ($5)  

2) Got my grass cut in the garden today for the first time in 2 weeks (yey me) keeping busy stops me thinking & not thinking stops the bad mood trying to get in 

3) Altogether, it has been a lovely relaxed Sunday with my little family. 

Here is a picture of my babies in their knitted hats! do excuse my naked son, he has a habit of stripping off at the moment!  I do try my best to keep him clothed, honest! 

Saturday, 23 August 2014

Three positives a day.... Day 28.

Positives for the day. 

Day 28. 

Today was a good day. Although we've had a rough couple of days with Felicity suffering with her reflux we still managed to get out of the house today, we decided on taking Joel to Mcdonalds for his lunch, his first ever one! Four years old almost & he's never had a Mcdonalds, well today he wanted one, he just kind of announced it, so it was a case of, well we wana get out of the house so lets do it. :D

Whilst at Mcdonalds, Joel noticed there was a staff member doing face painting, so of course, he then wanted his face painting ^_^ after we'd queued in line for what felt like forever, Joel finaly got a tiger painted on his face & then we took a stroll around town before heading home!

This evening has been spent feeding Felicity every 2 hours because I think she's going through her 6 weeks growth spurt (Y) fabulous haha ;) <3

Here is a picture of Joel's finished face painting. A tiger.

Friday, 22 August 2014

Three positives a day... Day 27.

Positives of the day.

Day 27. 

1, 2 & 3.) I didnt have my babies at home with me today, they went out with their auntie claire (my husbands sister) at around 11.30am & didnt come home until 5.30pm, so I got to have my very first "childfree day" since having Felicity & I can tell you, it was very strange, as much as I tried to "enjoy the peace" as they say, I was sat twiddling my thumbs after an hour or so! ^_^ I did however manage to grab a long hot bubble bath on my own which was AMA-ZING ;) I also did some straightning up around the house & went food shopping.. which again, was weird on my own! ;) 

still my babies are home again now, Joel has been telling me all about the farm they visited today & the two parks that he got to play in! :D He's now snuggled up in bed & I have a very wriggly Felicity laid in her moses basket next to me coo'ing away. :D

Here is a picture of my babies this morning before they left on their day out.. Joel telling Felicity a "sonic story" whilst I got her bottle ready. The pure love he has for her is so beautiful. I am so proud of him, he's an awesome big brother! <3

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Three positives a day.... Day 26.

Positives for the day. 

Day 26. 

1) Spent some time with the mother in law this afternoon, Joel loves time with his nanna! :D

2) Felicity's reflux wedge arrived yesterday & we had the BEST night's sleep that we've had altogether since she was born! <3 

3) Today i'm feeling much more happier, but I am still making an appointment with my doctor next week.. after the past couple of days, I definetely think I need to bring it up with him & see what he suggests, no ignoring it this time just because i'm having a good day. (Y)

Here is a picture of Joel doing some painting! He has no tshirt on, because my son has a habit of getting paint EVERYWHERE! ;)

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Three positives a day...... Day 25.

Positives for today. 

Day 25.

1,2 & 3.) 

Today I made a decision, to not let Anxiety get the better of me no more! so I got ready & I took my babies out for the afternoon, I LEFT THE HOUSE, ON MY OWN, WITH MY BABIES!  (so proud of myself)

We had a lovely afternoon at the park! Felicity slept in her pram the whole time but that meant I got to spend some time with Joel running around & being silly, which is just what I needed! i'm feeling so much happier!! (yey) 

Jharr 1, anxiety 0!!

Three positives a day..... Day 23.

Day 23. 

1) Saw my health visitor this morning for Felicity's 6-8 weeks review, I had a long chat with her about my moods & together we have decided that me visiting the doctor & having a chat with him is for the best, if medication is prescribed then so be it.. I will NOT let depression take over me again, I have two beautiful children to stay positive & sane for!! They need me just as much as I need them. 

2) Felicity was weighed today, & at 6 weeks & 4 days old, she is now 11lb 3oz, & 58cm long!  she is on the 75th centile which is just above average, but my health visitor is very happy with her progress! 

3) Tried to stay as positive as I could today, which included getting out of the house away from the same four walls for a little while, we didn't go far, I took Joel to the chippie & bought him a kids meal for his tea & then we walked home again, but just being out of the house really did help to "clear my head" a little. 

Here is a picture of my two beautiful babies cuddled up on the sofa together watching tv! i'm pretty sure Felicity is only interested in all the "colors" but it was still a great picture to snap  

Three positives a day.... Day 22.

- I won't be doing any positives for yesterday (day 22) as it was a really tough day for me. 

I did try my best to see the positve in my day but I just got too overwhelmed with this mood that seem to just take over me!  i'm a bit disappointed in myself for letting it get to me, but thankfully I managed to sleep the mood off & I am feeling much better today... 

In all honesty, I think its been a long time coming, having a baby & all the new changes that come with it, is a lot to take in, even when you're a mum for the second time round! 

today is a new day though & i'm not going to dwell on my "wobbles"  
happy smiles all round this morning.. asides from Felicity's gorgeous little baby frown!  

Tuesday, 19 August 2014

Diary post #60. (6 weeks of life as a mum of two)

Dear Diary... 

On 20th June when I was 38 weeks pregnant, my husband lost his job, but because he is such a determined man that wants nothing more than to support his family, he didnt come home that day & "feel sorry for himself" he stayed in Leeds going to job agencies, & that very same day he lost his job, he secured himself an interview for another! over the next fortnight he went through the proccess of two interviews in total & when our daughter was just one week old, he had officially got himself back into another job! & I have never been more proud of his determination.. that right there is a family man & I am so proud to say that he is ours. The starting date for his job wasn't until the beginning of August, but this really worked out for us, as it gave him time at home with us, to help me after my section & time to spend with our son & newborn daughter. 

Six weeks have now past since the birth of our daughter & Neil getting his new job & life is slowly returning to normal again. Neil started his job on 11th August, so has been there just over a week now & he is loving it! & me, I am loving life at home during the day with our little people! slowly establishing a routine, & getting ready for Joel going back to nursery on 2nd September. Don't get me wrong, things have been tough too, with my daughter being diagnosed with reflux, she's been really unsettled at times & when you have an unsettled baby, routine kinda just goes out of the window, but thankfully, now we have her on medication that seems to be working, our routine is back in place & everything is going great.

The person I am most proud of is my son Joel. I had so many people tell me when I was pregnant that he'd probably suffer with jealousy or even resent the baby, but because we involved him from the very beginning, took him to scans, spoke to him about the baby & even told him when we found out he was getting a sister, he's loved her from day dot. I will always remember when she was born & his nanna & grandad brought him to the hospital, he was so excited to be finally meeting his sister! he brought her a balloon & a teddy & he sat on the bed with me for ages stroking her face & cuddling her, & six weeks later, nothing has changed, he DOTES on Felicity, & now that she is six weeks old & can finally see clearly she is loving all the attention from him! she is always giving him smiles & he is always wanting to cuddle/kiss & hold her. He's been amazing, he loves to help out with everything too & so no jealousy rears it's ugly head, I have let him help with everything that he's been interested in helping with.

As for me myself, I am not afraid to admit that I am struggling to keep my spirits high this past week or so. I am coping with my babies, no doubt about that, waking up to them every day is what has been keeping me going. what I am not really coping with is this "mood" that keeps trying to sneak in & take over me..

My health visitor came for a home visit to do Felicity's 6-8 week review on 18th Aug (yesterday) & after a long chat with her & me explaining everything thats been going on since I last saw her, she has told me that it is probably best to book an appointment with my doctor for a chat, just because of my previous history, she doesn't want me starting on that slippery slope, & neither do I. I have been doing so well for ages now, I have come so far from were I was, that I am not about to let depression take a hold of me again & ruin everything. 

It does say something when the first thing your health visitor says to you is; "i've been coming to see you for a while now, I know you laugh & smile a lot, but I want you to tell me what's going on behind that smile" talk about busted ^_^ so I told her that i've been feeling teary for no apparent reason, i'm not sleeping very well & my appetite is a bit crappy, i'm forgetting loads & i'm feeling anxious a lot of the time! she was very impressed that I opened up to her, because a year ago I wouldn't of done that, & in doing so this time, she can help me. she has told me that the doctor may suggest medication for a while, but he also may not, but going along & having a chat with him won't harm. I'm really glad I opened up to her because I have been feeling like if i'd of told people they'd think I wasn't coping as a mother, but she said it's not like that at all, she can see just from watching me with my children that I am coping perfectly fine with them, it's my "mood" that I am not coping with.. & before that gets any worse it needs to be nipped in the bud. so that's what's happening, I have to make an appointment with the doctor & then my health visitor will be back to see me again in 10 days time, she has NO concerns about my children whatsoever, she just wants to make sure I am well, & I am really proud of myself for admitting that I need a little help! I know this time that "something" isn't right, even my husband has noticed, I have seen the signs & I know my triggers, so I want to get myself seen & sorted out so that I can carry on enjoying my babies.