Saturday, 5 September 2015

Diary Post #115. September is Hydrocephlus Awareness Month.wee3ef

Dear Diary..

On Thursday 20th August I saw my neursosurgeon, because since having 4 lots of brain surgery in January I have since been suffering excrutiating headaches that started up in May & have been daily ever since. On Friday 14th August, I had xrays of my abdomin & abdomain done, followed by a ct scan of my head where both of my vp-shunts are placed. On Thursday we saw my consultant & after going through my scan with me from January-August he has told us that he is 99% sure that I am suffering with Low Pressure Headaches. These are very common in Hydrocephalus shunted patients & can last a good few months, in most cases they do settle down themselves & I am really hoping that mine do.

My reason for this post is that this month... September, is Hydrocephalus awareness month & for myself, & the thousands of other Hydro warriors out there, I want to spread awareness.. so please, if you are reading this post. Please share. I am 24 weeks post FOUR surgeries. 3 brain surgeries & 1 major stomach surgery, & everyday I live with constant pressure, & yet, I still rise to every challenge that is thrown at me. 

Wednesday, 2 September 2015

Diary Post #114. Time is going far too fast.

Dear Diary.. 

Today I am feeling really old & really emotional. On Monday 7th September, my almost 5 year old son, my baby boy, is going to be starting school for the first time! On Sunday we bought all of his uniform & when he put it on for the first time, so we could make sure it all fit, I was almost in tears! I can't belive how fast the years have gone. it only feels like yesterday that Joel was a tiny baby.. & now he's starting his new adventure into Reception.

I am so proud of him & how far he has come in his little life, the hurdles he has leaped & the problems he has come through, he's just amazing & I love him soo soo much. X 

Sunday, 16 August 2015

Diary Post #113.. A general Update..

Dear Diary..

So I have been wanting to write a blog post for a few days now, only I haven't known what to say, I have had so much going on, & so much going around in my head that's its been a struggle to put it all into words & it actually make sense.. I am going through so many emotions at the moment that I don't quite know how I should be feeling. Firstly there is my health, I attended Leeds General Infirmary for a ct scan on my head on Friday (14th August) to once again check my shunts, as since May I have been suffering with headaches, nausea, blurred vision, mood swings & personality change.

We saw my neurosurgeon on 6th August & it was him who arranged the ct scan, as he "suspects" that my shunts may well be over-draining. well, his actual words where that he thinks the shunt on my right side isnt doing very much at all, & it's that shunt that is causing the headaches & pain! but he also suspsects that if the right one isnt doing much it could be placing strain on the left one, which could be causing that one to over-drain! I am really hoping this ct scan shows something, he showed us the ct scan from Feburary, just after I had 3 revisions, & my ventricals where closed completely, then the scan I had in May showed my ventricals had opened again, but not to a point that was worrying, & because these headaches have continued that is why he has wanted another ct scan doing.. he doesnt seem to think there will be much difference in the scan that was done on Friday & the one that was done in May, so I guess we shall soon see.. but if it shows that my shunts are over-draining then he has said new shunts will need to be put in! (fun) so I am now just waiting for Thursday (20th August) so that I can find out what is what. I hate waiting, it's so stressful, especially when I am in so much pain all the time at the moment.


Then ontop of all this I am a bit of an emtional wreck as on 7th September my baby boy will be starting reception & I just can't believe that he is growing up! it still only feels like yesterday to me that he was placed in my arms for the very first time after a long & painful labor. I guess after all that he has been through in his little life, I am just so pleased that he is now a healthy, happy little boy & just like any normal child his age he is beginning his new adventure into school.. but for me its so overwhelming.. I never imagined that he would grow up this fast. - & not just him, his sister too! Felicity is 13 months old now, & she is so advanced for her age, even if she is a little diddy-bum! she started walking just days after her first birthday, she is so independant it's untrue.. although I do have to admit, I love how she is still that bit clingy toward me! it makes me feel loved & wanted, especially now that Joel is well & truly grown up & doesnt like to be treated like a "baby" because he is a "big boy now!"


Asif all of that hasn't had my head in a spin, I have also taken the plunge & began my own little adventure.. on 25th July I joined Younique, which for those who don't know, it is an independant company that sells natural mineral make-up & it's beyond amazing! I was never ever a make-up sort of girl until I got interested in Younique.. I began by watching a few of my facebook friends as they joined up, I liked their pages & basically observed everything for a couple of weeks before coming to the decision that I wanted to do it myself... so far I have placed two orders & I am now wearing make-up almost daily, just doing this & being able to focus on something has boosted my self-esteem & confidence, & not to mention, helped with my low moods! I got worried that I was going down that slippery slope with my Depression when my shunts started playing up because I just feel so poorly all of the time, I don't manage to spend much time with my children because I spend a lot of time in bed, so becoming a Younique presenter has been a very welcomed distraction.. & my new obsession, i'm not going to lie! ;)

If anyone is interested in purchasing from me or even just checking my website out then here is how. 

My online personal website for my Younique can be found here...
& I also have a business page on Facebook that can be found here...

I will be updating again in a few days mostly on whats happening with my shunts.. & whats the neurosurgeon has said ect! Thank you all so much for taking the time to read this. It means a lot to me. Xxxx 

Monday, 3 August 2015

Diary Post #112.. A Family afternoon out & about.

Dear Diary.. 
I haven't been around on my blog too much of late & I just want to apologise for that. I started up with Younique this past week & it kinda got a little bit addictive, that on top of it being the school holidays, so I rarely get chance to have anymore than 15-20 minutes at the computer. I am a little bit all over this week too, as on Thursday I am seeing my neurosurgeon again due to all of these constant headaches since surgery 8 months ago! no medication that I have been given seems to work, for long anyways- the only thing that does is sleep! & well, when I have two children I can't be spending my days in bed nursing a migraine! so fingers crossed he can sort me out WITHOUT me having to go through anymore surgery- I have been asking what to expect on Hydrocephalus sites & I kinda wish I hadn't now as most of the people I have spoken to have said my shunts sound like they're over draining, which usually means a shunt revision! & well, asif 4 revisions (surgery) this year already isnt enough! so yeah, i'm crossing my fingers that something can be done- anything other than more surgery.
On the brighter side of life, this afternoon we headed out for a little afternoon family walk. it's been lovely! the kids, mostly Joel has been hyper as hell & full of energy so we decided to take a walk.. making sure we stopped off at the park so that Joel & Felicity could play for a while.. we must have stayed there for well over an hour & then we walked home again! altogether I think where out of the house for around 3 hours & for me at least, it has definetely blown them cobwebs away, & I have also gotten some exercise out of it too������
so for the rest of this evening I think the plan is to just relax.. eat some crap & chillout. I hope everyone here is well & I am sorry that I kinda abandoned my blog just recently.

Friday, 24 July 2015

Diary Post #111. SCHOOL IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary.. 

Today Joel had his last EVER session at The Grange Nursery & as of September my "not so little anymore" baby boy will be starting at big boy school & going into reception! 

Tonight I have been looking through his portfolio that his keyworker gave me before we came home today & I am not going to lie when I say I shed a few tears.

I never actually ever imagined him leaving that place, & I am so sad that he now has, but at the same time I am really loking forward to September & watching my boy start a new adventure in big boy school. I don't want him to grow up & I am feeling seriously emotional this evening. :( 

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Diary post #110... When I say "SORRY" I mean it.

Dear Diary..

i'm not going to lie here.. ever since I saw the eye specialist a few weeks ago about my headaches - which then turned out to be "pigment dispersion Glaucoma" in both of my eyes, & then after that I saw the doctor & we discussed ALL of my health issues & what will & what might happen in the future, I have hit a massive low. i've become paranoid as I know that I sometimes go on alot about how I feel & the stuff that is going on in my life & things I have been through, & as much as I try to stop myself, at the same time I can't stop because its a huge relief to get it off my shoulders & writen down.. 

I deleted people from my personal facebook recently, people who where my friends - "where" they want nothing to do with now & I do not blame them! the truth is, I didn't want the past repeating itself & the getting hurt by me - again! a couple of years ago I hit the self-destruct button & totally "went off the rails" where my mental health was concerned & ended up in councilling for I don't know how many months! so this time I am trying SO FUCKING HARD to hold things together, but I am not going to lie, I am really struggling!! I am the sort of girl who doesn't find it easy to talk about how I feel... I never have done & this is what causes these "lows." so instead I just shut people out, at the time I don't care who they are, I just want them gone! I feel the need so bad to be ALONE that I isolate everyone & anyone.. but this time I royally screwed up! I didn't talk to nobody I just acted apon how I was feeling.. I once again let my moods get the better of me. I knew things where slipping & I couldnt ask for help.. I really wanted too, but I couldn't. 

I am not writing this to look for pitty, attention, forgiveness, sympathy. I am simply writing this because I want to apologise to each & every person that I have "snubbed" you all know exactly who you are... please believe me when I say I am trying SO HARD to get back on track, to sort my fucked up little head out.. I hope that one day you can maybe all forgive me for my "act first & think later" approach on things.. I really don't mean a single word I say.. half of the time I don't even know WHAT I am saying.. I am just mouthing off to rid of this "feeling" that I can't explain. I am not a fruit loop - although I seem to be acting like one just recently.. I just didn't/don't want to hurt nobody like I did in the past so I hit the delet button without no explanation, no questions & no answers. so for that I am truly from the bottom of my heart very sorry. 

Diary Post #109... Joel leaves nursery.

Joel when he started The Grange at 16 months old, & Joel now at 4 years old.

Dear Diary... 

Tonight I am feeling really emotional thinking about the future, in September my beautiful little boy will be starting "big boy school" & I just cannot get over how fast he has grown up! 

On 4th Feburary 2012, at 16 months old Joel started at our local private nursery "The Grange" & this Friday (24.07.15) my little boy will be attended his very LAST afternoon at The Grange Nursery. I am SO proud of every last thing that Joel has accomplished whilst being at The Grange, & I cannot thank the staff enough for helping my boy to become the confident, cheeky & happy little boy that he is today. Most of all I want to thank his keyworker Annette Jabin for helping him through everything since he started in the pre-school room, & most of all, helping Joel learn to speak. Joel now drives us crazy with his constant talking & he quite literally never shuts up! & it is all because of Annette & the time & care she has put into working with us (& speech therapy over the past 12.5 months) to get Joel talking. I am so sad that he is leaving, but we still have our little ladybug there, & even she is already doing amazing! 

If I had to pick a nursery for my children all over again, I would still pick The Grange, without a doubt. I am more than confident that when it comes to Felicity leaving in a few years (which I don't really want to think about yet) she will also be a cheeky, happy & bright little girl. 

Thank you all so much for everything that you have done for the both of my children. 

Monday, 13 July 2015

Diary post #109. Fuck my life..... & these Migraines.

Dear Diary...

For 6 months I have had to put up with excrutiating migraines & my doctor wouldnt give me anything as he was "concerned" it might have been something to do with my vp-shunts so all he did was refer me back to my neurosurgeon... I have since found our that it ISNT anything to do with my vp-shunts & so I am now guna have to go back to my doctor & DEMAND he gives me something for this pain! I haven't yet heard anything from my nuerosurgeon & to be frank, I am at my whitts end.... I can't take much more, but I also dont know what to do anymore.. i'm sick to death of living like this. 

Diary Post #108.. MY OPINION, none of your business.

Dear Diary..

So yesterday I shared a post onto my Facebook blog page about abortion.. I actually knew before I shared it that it would cause erruptions, because let's be honest, it's me who's sharing it & people don't like it when I give my opinions... if it was anybody else, no fucks would have been given. 

so yeah, I shared the post along with my views on abortion.... I don't agree with abortion. UNLESS it is because of such cases like rape, or a life threatening medical condition towards mother or child, but as for cases where people are just careless & stupid & decide to have a drunken fumble & not use anything, then those people should learn to face the conciquences. if you're going to be brave & open your legs & not use anything, you should then be brave & bring up that INNOCENT child that you created.. it's not the childs fault. 

The post I shared spoke about a 24 weeks gestation fetus being shredded whilst it cried out in pain in the womb. I bet you wouldn't let anyone shred up your children you have now? so why allow it to the unborn baby growing & LIVING inside of you? a life is a life, & it shouldn't just be snuffed out because the poor baby isnt "wanted" if you don't want a child then use a fucking condom or a decent form of protection.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Diary Post #107. If you think this is about you, then hey it probably is.

Dear Diary..

Don't you just LOVE a good fake person?

It's absolutely hilarious how someone on social media, someone you have NEVER MET, can be your friend one minute & then all of a sudden they've joined the trolls playground. I just don't understand how some people can just be so..... PATHETIC. the internet definetely got it right when they brought out the term "sheep" there is so many insecure bellends on the internet that will follow ANYONE & ANYTHING it's untrue. one minute they're all supportive of you & telling you to "rise above" & then in their next breathe, because you stand up for yourself against someone who they're friends with, oh shit no! they can't be your friend anymore, & like a pathetic little 5 year old that just had their chocolate bar robbed, they go running telling everyone, "oh i'm not friends with so-an-so anymore" blah blah blah.

See you around then you fake piece of shit... i'm looking forward to the trolls getting hungry & eventually turning on you! what goes around comes around & all that jazz. 

Diary Post #106. Chicken Pox.

My poorly spotty baby.

Dear Diary... 

it's been a whole lot of fun in our house for the past 2-3 weeks. 

Just before Felicity's first birthday Joel decided to bring Chicken Pox home with him from nursery, & this meant he was house bound for 7-10 days until his pox had scabbed over & cleared up & as luck would have it, I think because Joel is older, we had no problems with him at all, he didn't develop a temperature or anything, but saying that, it is his second time that he's had them, he was a lot worse when he caught them at 17 months old.

Felicity didn't seem to catch them though (or so we thought) she managed to reach her birthday & was perfectly well two weeks later but then it happened...... 3 days after her birthday I was changing her nappy & there they were, three little spots, then, four, then two on her leg, then some on her bum & back, they were popping up everywhere & in just a few hours, she was covered. by thursday she was really poorly & incredibly miserable, I mean who can blame her. Just looking at her made me want to itch so I can't imagine how she must have felt. 

so yeah, fun all round, I have spent this last week tending to my poorly baby whilst the hubs has looked after & attended to Joel. it's been a nightmare, I am not going to lie! i've had no sleep & to be frank, I don't actually know how I am still functioning. we are now on day 5 since the spots appeared & they are (thankfully) starting to scab over, the majority on her face have scabbed & some on her body are even starting to disappear, but our little lady is still a grumpy clingy madam.. i'm not the only one who's had no sleep afterall, & since yesterday she has done just that.. sleep. a couple of times I have even joined her, but the rest of the time it's been a case of, I need to chill the fuck out whilst she is sleeping, relax a little, drink a "hot" cup of tea. I have my fingers crossed that we are nearing the end now & once she has cleared up, she will be back to feeling more like herself.. 

I really hope that the UK get the Chicken Pox vaccine soon, because it could really do with it, as it's really not a nice thing to watch your child go through & well, this family has already been through enough this year with illness' & health problems.

 After all of this, if I never see Chicken Pox ever again, it will be too soon. 

Silent Sunday..

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Diary post #105... Yet more hospital appointments.

Dear Diary.. 

Today I visited St James Hospital in Leeds to see an eye specialist because since my vp-shunt surgeries in Jamuary'15 I have been suffering with chronic headaches & pressure in my skull & eyes.. I have had two ct scans since my surgery to check both of my vp-shunts & they both came back okay, both of my shunts are working correctly & as they should, so I was then referred for this eye test. so today that is where I have been.

I went about my headaches & when I came out of the hospital 2 hours later I was none the wiser about what is causing my headaches (fab) - all I know is that it's NOT vp-shunt related, which is amazing news, BUT, whilst I was being tested they picked up that I am starting with Glaucoma. 

Basically, you know the colored part of your eye right? (I can't remember what he called it) mine has particals breaking off & floating around my eye & settling in places that it shouldn't. for one, the particals are settling in one of the drainage rivers in my eye which is then causing pressure to build up in my eye (hence the pain & pressure I have been feeling in my right eye) & this is how Glaucoma starts. I have to visit the Glaucoma Clinic in either Pinderfields Hospital or Pontefract in 3-6 weeks so they can diagnose me, because there are 4 dufferent types of Glaucoma & then they can plan which treatment I will be starting on.

So yeah, a fun-packed day all round!
(i'm being sarcastic) :p

& I will of course update on this matter once I know more...