Sunday, 23 October 2016
so it has only taken exactly 19 month, but I am hopeful that after all this time everything is now finally starting to fall into place!
I had an MRI scan on my spinal cored & brain on 16th October which was merited by my neurosurgeon after me seeing him on 8th September & basically him taking one look at me & seeing how much pain I was in! now, CT scans I do not mind, MRI scans on the other hand.. I now totally understand why as a child my mu always had me sedated. I may have laughed & joked when they were rolling me in there, but once I was in there I started to freak a little bit, I felt like I was being buried alive & I am not normally a person who gets claustrophobic! plus all the noise & vibrating from the machine didn't help my situation.
In the end I just laid there breathing deep with my eye squeezed shut & thinking about all the stupid memes I had come across on Google to take my mind off it. NOPE! NEVER AGAIN. EVER. Plus I then had this horrible headache afterwards that hung around all day long.
we get the results for the mri scan on 7th November, & then yesterday I received a letter from the neurology clinic to say I am booked in to see someone on the 9th December! I am hoping this means that my neurosurgeon has looked over my scans & already has a care plan ready to put into action & fingers crossed come Christmas I will be on said care plan & know what is going on, because 19 months is a long time to be fobbed off by hospitals & suffer in constant everyday pain that you can't even explain without someone thinking that your milking it or trying to make shit about you.
I am just glad I have some proper friends who understand what I am going through, because they are also going through something similar themselves, because there is no-way anyone that doesn't suffer like this can fully understand without being a bit of a nob, take my "best friend" in my previous post for instance!
I am just soo ready to be out of pain & to begin feeling more positive again, because this limbo I have been living in for the last almost 20 months, has been almost like Hell.
Saturday, 22 October 2016
Sometimes I sit here & I wonder how I am still here, in a nutshell.
the thoughts, the nightmares, they're rife, & asides from my husband, who has his own problems, I have nobody I can turn too.
For the last 19 months of my life, I have had so much going on, with my life in general & mostly, my health - which has sucked ass all my life, but let's not go there.
I am just beginning to feel like my body is constantly fighting against me. Currently, my neurosurgeon who did my brain surgeries back in 2015 is now looking into me having either the very same, or a very similar bone disease as my mum, which has slowly put her in a wheelchair, because the disks in her back have crumbled & so have her bones to go with it. so its safe to say I am not looking forward to getting my mri results on 7th November! someday's I just can't cope with the pain anymore, so I lie in bed, in agony & cry!
I thought I had someone I could turn too.. she promised me I would never lose her, but yet again, this person who is supposed to be my "best friend" has fucked off with her "newest squeeze" & disappeared off the face of the earth - which isn't the first time, but I never learn. when her life was in bits I was the one who was there to help pick up the pieces, yet as soon as something is going wrong for me, its "fuck you J, I am happy so I don't give a flying shit." the amount of times I have been there for her, even though every time she gets a fella she drops me, I have always been there, maybe from afar sometimes, but I was still there,
maybe I am just stupid?
once bitten, twice shy, three times? Jharr your a fucking MUG!
I have started to see a horrible selfish side to her that I have never seen before & it's so fucking UGLY. everything becomes about her, fuck anyone who's bent over backwards to help her ey, aka ME! she just jumps out of one relationship & into the other, not giving a shit about anyone, shes now on her third relationship in 2.5 years & her SECOND engagement, oh which I apparently "ruined" because I totally disagreed with it. she's a fucking idiot.
she can't even see what an utter cunt-nugget he is either, he saw her coming from a mile off, along with all the other losers she's dated & didn't listen to me about!
he lived with his mummy for christ sakes, that right there says "needy, manipulative, controlling cunt." oh & he doesn't see his kids because his name isn't on their birth certificates because "apparently" the mother of his children is a psycho & didn't put his name on twice! that mate, it the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever heard, & from the second he told me that I knew he was a dodgy little dickend.
his names aren't on their birth certificates so he only sees them once a month, like fuck ANY doting dad would stand for that!! he hasn't done shit about it though, might have gone to court a few times, but hes definitely no doting daddy! How can he be be when his OWN BLOOD only get to see him once a month, whilst he plays happy families with my best friends little boy & pretends to be his "daddy" yeah dead devoting, you absolute TOOL!
I hope your kids grow up & tell you to get fucked pal.
He's taking my mate for one massive ride & I don't mean in his pathetic little car that his "daddy" pays for either, he doesn't have a job & he's moved in with her now, so she's the one out working, NOT HIM, providing for them all, feeding them & putting a roof over his lazy-ass head whilst he does fuck all & sits on his bottom playing games on his phone all day & spouting how he's this amazing role model for her little boy...
shame you aren't for your OWN two kids ey!!
YOU. ARE. A. FUCKING. JOKE. MATE.
My step-brother went to court when his ex didn't put his name on their sons certificate so I know FOR A FACT he's chatting out of his A-hole! my brother paid for a DNA test & that is ALL it took for him to get his name on his child's birth certificate, so if this absolute dick was any sort of doting parent, DNA tests would have been the first thing he did, money wouldnt come into it, he would have moved mountains, but no he didn't, he just moved in with my mate & started playing daddy to her kid instead!!
its all bullshit, probably one big sob-story to reel my best friend in!
I can put money on it that there is a total different reason being behind why he isn't on "his kids" birth certificates,
1) being they aren't his & that's why he isn't on their birth certificates & she didn't just do it to get back at him like he makes out
2) being their mother knows what a manipulative, & complete loser he is!
Personally, I have only met the ball-bag twice but both times something about him hasn't sat right with me, so being the good friend I am, sorry, was! I tell my best friend this & she just totally disregards it, when you'd think she would listen to me considering her last two relationships have been complete fails because she doesn't know how to take anything slowly!
she told me they were going "slow as snails" then a few hours later he sends me a picture of him in bed with her, yeah because that isn't controlling & manipulative is it? well I hate to say it, but it's her little boy I feel sorry for in all this, 3 men in 3 years that he's called Daddy & then it's ended, she's guna screw that kid right up!
The last time she spoke to me, she said even knowing all the pain & stuff I have been going through, that I was "making everything about me" & she basically totally turned into a TOP CUNT!!
so she can go fuck herself sidesway now! she officially ended our friendship right in that moment, so I hope for her sake & that boy's sake, that this relationship lasts & that this "twat-waffle" isnt just another bloke that is added to her growing list of men who've fucked her over, because I will not be the one running to her aid when her life goes to shit once more... I am done.
I have way more important people in my life that actually give a fuck about whats going on with me, because to her I was clearly never that important. I have sent her messages literally once a week for the last month & had not one single message back from her, she didn't even ask how my scan went, & she know how much I was bricking it!! that's how self-obsessed she has become & I really don't need people like that in my life anymore.
I deserve a friend who is going to give me a should to cry on when I need it, someone who I can go to & they aren't going to through my health back in my face!
she can go find some herself other other mug.
I don't know why I let her affect me every-time, because as she has proved yet again, I mean nothing to her, I meant that much to her she couldn't even tell me she was engaged after she had told her parents but before she announced it on Facebook - I have spent I don't know how many years putting her on this pedestal, making her out to be this really good friend & she just isn't & never has been.
I see that now. everything is about her, & our friendship was always on her terms.
well, FUCK YOU.
I know now that the only "best friend" I have in my life is my husband!
he is the one that has ALWAYS been there for me through all my shit, the good & the bad, through the thick & thin!
my moods have been so up & down for a while now & none of this has helped, I am sometimes surprised he hasn't left too, but unlike some, he made me a promise when he married me that he will never leave me! he needs more than a bloody medal for putting up with me that's for sure! my children & my husband are the only ones that have kept me going for the last 6 months, no one else but them! & there is only one other positive thought that is keeping me going right now.....
GOING BACK TO YOUNIQUE!!
(which again was something else the "best friend" got snotty about)
Me resigning back up to Younique in November is something I am really excited about, & Neil has been behind me all the way! it is something I so badly want & something I so badly need! I never realized just how much I needed it until it was gone! but in November I will be going back to start again, to prove people wrong, to show people how much this means to me, & to show myself that I CAN be happy again & that I WILL BE!
Younique heals me, as stupid as that might sound to someone who isn't apart of Younique, but it's true, it will take me away from all the negative shit in my head!
my mind & my thoughts will be focusing on something POSITIVE which is something I so badly need in my life! especially now. when I am concentrating on Younique, the negative, thoughts & feelings don't get to me anymore.. & I have never felt like that before, when I was with Younique, I began to conquer my depression, because when I was making other people feel good about themselves, it made ME feel good about myself, & I so badly want to feel good about myself again.. I really do.
Sunday, 16 October 2016
Have you ever sat & thought about the "coincidences" in your life?
I was born in Barrow in Furness, I got transferred to Leeds General Infirmary to have my shunt put in place just 24 hours after birth, & then spent 7 months in that hospital, & my entire childhood travelling backward & forwards between Barrow & Leeds with my mum for appointments & surgeries.
& if that isn't crazy enough, when I turned 17 I met the man of my dreams who, LIVED IN LEEDS! so I then spent 1.5 years travelling backward & forward between Barrow & Leeds to be with him, before I up-sticks & moved to Leeds in July 2007.
& now, if anything ever goes wrong with me - yep, I sound like a machine! my mum doesn't worry, well obviously she worries but in a sense she doesn't because she knows that I always end up in Leeds General Infirmary where I spent my childhood! - it's crazy to think I have literally walked them hospital corridors since I was a child & never before thought anything about it.
in 2010 & 2014, I also brought both of my children into the world at Leeds General, & when I had Joel & was on the transitional ward with him where he was being looked after, the neonatal nurse recognized my name, & it only turned out that she was one of the nurses who looked after me as a child & she was now looking after my child!!! crazy right? Joel then went on to have his CCAM surgery in Leeds, so not only did that hospital save my life, they saved my son's life too.
I may have been born in Barrow in Furness, but all my life I have been an "on the side" Yorkshire Lass!! I was telling Neil's dad whilst we were at the hospital today that I was brought to Leeds as a baby to have my shunt put in & that I had spent my entire childhood in & out of this hospital & he couldn't believe it!!
He just said that it's fate I ended up living in Leeds & that someone up there obviously wanted me & Neil to be together in Leeds, so that him & his family could look after me, when my mum couldn't.
which for the record, they do a great job! :)
Monday, 10 October 2016
Today is World Mental Health Day
I have fought Manic Depression & PTSD since I was 19 years old. I have had PND twice, & I have walked into my health visitors office with my child's bags packed & told her to take him away from me because I wasn't good enough for him. I have spent YEARS fighting with myself & the demons in my head, fighting to find myself once more, I have been on & off god knows how many different medications, & I been under umpteen different counselors & I have fought those horrible thoughts & people in my head that tell me to just end it all.
I am one of the MANY faces of Mental Health, I have been bullied all my life, through school, college & even work! I have been shamed as a parent & a wife & YET I still stand strong, fighting back & showing the world that, you know what? FUCK YOU!!
I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!! I am not afraid to admit that yes I have problems, I am not afraid of the nightmares that used to eat me up for days, now I talk about them instead of bottling it up, & it helps. I am not afraid to open up & say that I am having a shit day & I need a cuddle & a chat. EVERYDAY I am learning my triggers & finding ways to conquer them! everyday I get that tiny bit stronger, & yes I have my fall backs, I get angry, I lash out, & then I feel guilty & want to die! but thankfully, I am blessed & so grateful for ALL the people in my life that are always there to help me out of a shit mood, those that are always there to make me laugh when all I want to do is cry, those that go out of their way to help me realize that, YES!! I am NEEDED, WANTED & LOVED, when all I want to do is curl up into a ball & die.
I am not the person I was when I was 19 years old, I have grown, I still struggle, but I am stronger & with each & every day I am kicking the asses of all those demons & I am saying fuck you to Manic Depression & PTSD. I have come a long way in all those years, & for that I am & always will be, proud of myself.
Friday, 7 October 2016
The young lad was stood in front of a young girls car, he was shouting for her to run him down, she was obviously refusing to do so, & his brother was stood in the road also shouting at him to "calm the fuck down" he then shouted back "well if you won't run me down, I will find someone who will" & in those seconds, everything moved so quickly, before anyone could do anything, the lad walked away & to the side of the road, he stood at the curb & waited for an oncoming car to go over the speed bumps, he was stood there as if he was waiting to cross the road, but that didn't happen, instead, he waited until this car was meters from him & dived under the bonnet headfirst whilst the car was moving! the person driving obviously put on their breaks on but it was too late, the young lad went straight under the car & was dragged a few meters down the road underneath said car until it came to a stop.
everything around me blurred, fear totally overtook my body, I couldn't believe what my eyes had just seen! the boy was laid in the road, the driver got out of the car & was in tears & the lads brother was in hysterics, screaming! he then dash off, & I don't know what happened, my first reaction was to dash over to him, but the scene that greeted my eyes was not pretty. the lad was messed up, he was covered in blood, he was shaking & he was making a gurgling, rattling noise. I covered him in my coat, & I told someone else who was just gawping to call an ambulance! then his best mate came to his side & I stood back, just watching this scene unfold. his family slowly swarmed around him & then the police & an ambulance arrived, I was pulled to the side of the road by an officer, but I couldn't speak, all I could do was shake, so he put me in the back of his car, he covered me with his jacket, because mine was around the young lad laid in the road, & I just then sat in the police car, with the door open asking if the lad was okay.... nobody knew. for the next half an hour I watched as the ambulance arrived & attended to the boy & the police spoke to the driver & witnesses that were jotted around the street. about an hour later, the police officer kindly offered to take me home & visit me in a few days time.
School for the following few days was awful, the lads name was revealed to be Paul Price, a lad I had gone right through junior school with. he was a year above me & although I didn't know him as a friend as such, I knew of him & how much of a lovely guy he was. he was plastered all over the papers for about a week, & then the worse news came. after 2 days in hospital, due to Paul's serve head injuries, he lost his battle & passed away. this shock me more than I ever expected it would. everyone in school was talking about it, talking about him & this accident, & yet nobody knew that I had been there, I had watched him end his life.
Soon came his funeral, & I think this is when it really hit me hard. I was 15 & had never been to a funeral before, but I wanted to go, I wanted to pay my respects to his family & hopefully get some closure for myself, but this wasn't the case. I am pretty sure now that me attending that funeral & my brain realizing that the accident that I had watched unfold had put an 18 year old boy in a coffin & I was now having to watch his heartbroken family having to say goodbye to him, it totally broke me. a few days after his funeral I was visited again by the officer that had put me in his car the evening of the accident. He interviewed me & got my version of what happened - because the papers were saying he "slipped off the curb" how does someone slip off the curb & end up in the middle of the road under the bonnet of a car? slipped, no, he dived. plain & simple. I told the officer everything that he asked & then I asked him a few questions because a few things by this point were already haunting me. I told him that when I ran over to him he was shaking & making a gurgling noise... the officer than told me that this noise is known as "death rattle" it is a noise that a human makes when they are dying & their organs are slowly shutting down. this of course traumatized me even more because then I couldn't stop thinking about how he was laid there dying in the road right in front of my eyes.
The case was eventually closed by the police as a suicide & that was that, for them at least. for me, I have been haunted with nightmares ever since. I have had numerous counselling to try & help, I have nightmares & they are so real, but they ain't of him, they are of my children, or my family members, laid in that road, making that horrible noise. I wake up shaking & sweating & it messes me up for days. I can't think straight, I can't concentrate & I can't sleep, in fear of having another nightmare. I am now 29 years old & those nightmares still haunt me, I have tried so hard to move on from it, but it's like my brain won't let me.
I am now looking into having therapy for PTSD, in hopes that this may help me, because it has been 13 years since Paul died, & to me, it still feels like it was last week, the dreams are so real, when I think about it, it all plays out so clearly in my head as if it was yesterday, I hear his brother screaming, I hear the car breaks screeching & I hear him making that horrible gurgling noise & see him covered in blood. I don't want to see or hear it anymore.
Friday, 30 September 2016
I got asked today what was so good about Younique & why I wanted to go back? well let me just say this....
Younique isn't just about selling make-up, although that is a really fun side to it. Younique is all about Empowering Women, lifting them up when they're on the brink of breaking, it's all about confidence building, helping women to believe in themselves, & helping them to put themselves back together again! Younique saved me!
it gave me the confidence that I never thought I would find, it helped me to put myself back together again after so many years of letting Manic Depression rule me, & in doing so, I believe that I truly found myself & something that I was GOOD AT in the process but along the way I have also formed some amazing friendships too!
don't get me wrong, I still have my blips, & that is why I made the decision in May to step away from Younique when I did, because I didn't feel like I deserved it, I got myself back in that awful frame of mind again, but I also truly believe that when something is meant to be, it comes back to you!
I was with another MLM for 5 months, & all I could think about was Younique, for 5 months I wracked my brain as to whether I could go back, but then I had a conversation with someone & it completely changed my mindset! 1 conversation with one AMAZING person made me see that I needed to do what was best for ME! I know I made my mistakes, who doesn't, but with Younique I feel whole, I feel like I know who I am! it has made me such a better person! & I so badly want to be that better person! I now know where I belong & that is & always has been, with Younique!
Saturday, 24 September 2016
So over the last 5 months I have been feeling a little lost since I left Younique, I am not going to lie, when I left Younique I made a quick decision to jump into another MLM company & kid myself that I could make that work - it was like a really bad break-up, I left Younique, something I adore, & then jumped into something else so I didn't have to think about how much I was hurting.. & at first, I really enjoyed it, but it was so different to Younique, how they did things, they didn't do it as a team like they do with Younique, it's pretty much, someone gets you to sign up with them & then it's every man for himself. i'm not saying that's a bad thing, a lot of people find they can work a business better like that, but not me, I loved the team effort that was Younique, I loved the buzz it gave me, & the tension when you were close to a promotion, being apart of Younique is probably the first time in my life that I can say I truly found myself, I have been through a lot of shit in my life, emotionally, physically & mentally, so when I came across Younique after a friend had signed up, it was like I was given a new lease of life, I wasn't used to people being nice to me, I wasn't used to people helping me, all I had in my life previous was drama, so to say Younique changed me was an understatement.
when I was 9 years old I watched my mum get beat by my dad, & then months after she had left him, another man came into her life & he abused myself & my sisters on a daily basis & my mum knew nothing about it, then when I was 14 years old I watched a friend commit suicide, run out into the road & throw himself under a car, I was bullied all threw school, I got jumped twice as a teen when I was walking home, & when I was 14 weeks pregnant with my daughter, I was grabbed by a bloke & sexually assaulted.. so when I found out wht Younique stand for, & what selling mascara's really is all about, I was blown away, it became my passion, but then 6 months into doing Younique I got in with the wrong crowd, a bunch of "bent" presenters that ran a raffle page & all fixed raffles for one an other, & thinking about it now, I have no idea what made me think that this was a good idea.. but I went along with it anyways, but eventually I was singled out, ganged up on & dropped in the shit, so after servere bullying I decided to leave Younique.. I made a massive mess & hurt a lot of people in the process which I am truly sorry for. I have spent the last 5 months beating myself up for doing what I did.
Until one day a couple of weeks ago I made a massive decision, I didn't want to do Acti-Labs & play pretend that I was happy in what I was doing, because I wasn't, & i'm pretty sure people could see I was just playing pretend because I didn't sell anything in the whole 5 months I was with Acti-Labs, I made exactly £28 commission in 5 months, & it just wasn't worth it, so I left, swallowed by pride, grabbed my balls & contacted my Uplines from Younique.... & because I was brave & did so, I have been given a second chance that I am NOT EVER going to blow. for me, its all by the rules now, I want to build my business properly, & I want to build a business with a company that I love, which is Younique.
so on November 18th, I am re-joining Younique & starting my adventure again, from the bottom, but I won't be there for long. As well as feeling scared, nervous, I am also really excited & truly grateful for this second chance, I am going to show absolutely everyone what I am made of, I am going to build the trust & friendships of those I hurt once more & I am going to quite frankly kick ass.
Sunday, 7 August 2016
I cannot believe that in just 5 weeks time, my not so little boy is going to be 6 years old!! it only feels like yesterday that I met you for the first time & was sat cradling you in my arms, tears streaming down my face because I knew what a battle you still had ahead of you! but with every breathe you have taken, & with every bit of strength & determination, you have shown me, & everyone around you, just how strong of a person you truly are. you defined the odds & you made it into this world, you fought like a true warrior at 14 months old, & you have gone on to blossom & make my heart glow with pride every day since! you are my world, you are my warrior, & you will forever be my beautiful baby boy, even when you are grown & have a family of your own.
Friday, 29 July 2016
So for the past 3 weeks I have been suffering with a weakness in my left side, migraines, nausea & blurred vision. after 4 days of no sleep & being in constant pain, I decided to give the neurology ward at Leeds General Infirmary a call, I spoke to a shunt specialist, & he advised that I went in for a scan to see what was going on!
when I got to the hospital, I was taken into a room with Hugh & he went over everything that had been going on with me & decided that a scan was definitely needed, so I was then sent down for a CT scan... after I had my scan, I was then told that one of my vessels in my brain looked paler than it should & that I may well have suffered a small stroke, so then they had to get the stroke team to look my scan over, a few hour later I was visited by a stroke specialist who thankfully, ruled out a stroke, & put it down to Neuropathy nerve damage! I was then seen by a neurologist that explained everything that was going on in my body, & he placed me on some new medication & is wanting to see me again in a few weeks & has also said that I may-well need to attend physio & I am to see him again on 8th September to see how I am getting along with my medication! fingers crossed it works, because this pain is awful!
Monday, 25 July 2016
On Friday my beautiful boy broke up from school for the summer & finished reception!
He was very excited to see his teachers Mrs Thomas & his TA, Mr Hopes to give them their presents when he got to school, although he had it in his head that he's never going to see them again.. so Mr Hopes sat down with Joel & explained to him that he will still see Mr Hopes & Mrs Thomas again next year, everyday in fact, they will just be teaching younger children because Joel is a big grown up bot now so he will be moving into Miss Harrison's class which is a bigger class for older little boys! the look of excitement that then spread across Joel's face was amazing..... I almost shed a tear myself.
Joel has grown up so much in this last year, & I couldn't be anymore proud if I tried.