Monday, 15 December 2014

Diary Post #67. "Haunted"

Dear Diary.. 

On the 5th December 2003 I witnessed something I will never ever forget.

I was meeting a friend, I was sat waiting in the boat benches on Blake Street, an argument broke out between two brothers, I dont remember what was said, but I decided to be nosey & watch what was happening.... I wish I hadn't now because the incident that unfolded before my very eyes has haunted me for the past 11 years. 

The boys were arguing, this went on for a good 10-15 minutes before the youngest looking lad then approached a parked car & asked the driver to run him down.. obviously the driver refused, & the next thing I knew, I saw a car coming down the street, my first thought was, "oh god he isnt going to jump infront of that car is he?" then everything after that just seem to happen so quickly that nobody could stop it! the car slowed to go over some speed bumps & then as it sped up again to carry on the young lad then dived out infront of it & went straight underneath the car head first.. the part that I just cant seem to forget, is seeing the driver slam on the breaks & the lad being dragged half a mile down the street underneath the car before it actually stopped, then when the car did stop, he rolled out from underneath it & was left lying in the middle of the road unconcious, & tyre marks covering his head.

Straight away I bolted over towards him, someone grabbed his coat from the side of the road & placed it over him & someone else called an ambulance! I was stood shaking, pure numb & all I could hear was his brother screaming the worst blood curdling scream I have ever heard in my life! he then bolted off in a different direction, I presumed to get help. 

as we waited for the ambulance, his best friend arrived & crouched down beside him, he was crying & craddling him in his arms, the lad was making some horrific noises, them noises still haunt me now. I stayed glued to the same spot for approximetely an hour.. I didnt move, I watched the paramedics tend to him, I watched him being placed in the amublance & I watched them take him away.. Police then started blocking off the street, a white line was drawn around his body on the road before he was moved. I just stood, completely numb watching officers speaking to people & asking what happened.. an officer then spoke to me, clearly saw I was in shock & sat me down, he asked my name & address & told me that an officer would be visiting my house to get a full statement from me as I told him that I had seen everything..

Two days later, 7th December 2003, Paul Price, aged just 18, was front page in the paper, his injuries had been so server that he didn't make it... I remember reading the headline "TEENAGE BOY DIES AFTER HORRIFIC ACCIDENT" & then I completely broke down in tears! I so wanted him to pull through, after that was when the dreams & nightmares started, even now, I still relive that scene all over again! for weeks I didnt eat, & I couldnt sleep! People at school knew him personally & they were all talking about it like they were there, meanwhile I just sat silently thinking "you're lucky you weren't there"

I found out from the paper when his funeral was to be held & I decided to go to pay my respects! I stayed right at the back, & I was just completely numb. 11 years on, I can no longer listen to Black Eyed Peas "were is the love" because all I see is the accident replaying over & over in my head.. & the curtain closing over on his coffin at the end of his service! 

i've had councilling & nothing has worked, every year I think about it, no matter how hard I try not too it just pops into my head.. I am terrified of my 4 year old son going anywhere near a road & its after this that my anxiety started. 

If I had one wish this Christmas it would be for Paul to be here celebrating with his family & his friends, but instead they have to spend it without him.. I dont know if his intentions were to kill himself, or if he just wanted to hurt himself, & I guess we never will know what was going through his head that night. :(

Rest in peace Paul,

always remembered 
& never forgotten. <3

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Diary Post #66. A very special dedication.

Ethan George Hopson. 

Dear Diary.. 

This December I want to dedicate my Christmas post to a friend, a beautiful, strong lady who always finds this time of year really hard. Karly Hopson. 

On December 22nd 2011, at just 6 months old, Karly's little boy, Ethan George Hopson took his last breathe in his mummy's arms & grew his angel wings & flew to heaven. 
I have followed this beautiful boy's story for 3 years, & I follow his mummy on Facebook too!
she is possibly the most amazing mummy that I have yet to meet. ;) I couldn't for one second imagine the pain she must have been through, & the pain she still endures everyday, but yet she carries on for her little boy. 

A little bit of happiness for Karly, she recently gave birth to her rainbow baby George-Henry & I couldnt be happier for her, the girl deserves just a little bit of happiness after everything she has been through.. 
George-Henry is the spit of his big brother, & I know for a fact Ethan is proud as punch! 
Karly is a true inspiration to all of us, the night Ethan was taken into hospital, Karly set up a "make a wish" page for him, please join this page & show Karly & Ethan your support. 

>>> Make a wish for Ethan George Hopson.  <<< 

If I could have just one wish this Christmas it would be for you to be here with your Mummy & your beaut of a baby brother George-Henry. Nobody knows the pain your mummy has been through, & nobody can say that they "know how she feels" because nobody does. 

I hope you're doing okay up there little angel, I can't believe it's almost Christmas & almost your 3rd angelversary. :( my candle will be burning in memory of you. your mummy & your little brother George-Henry are never far from my thoughts, I am always stalking her facebook too! ;) for updates on your brother & to see pictures of your beautiful face! I just wish we could see your beautiful face now, & see what a gorgeous little man you are growing into! 

sleep tight Ethan, 
& always shine bright angel. 

Sunday, 7 December 2014

Diary Post #65.

Dear Diary.. 

I still cant believe that Felicity is 5 months old, she is now practically sitting up all by herself - almost! I have to place pillows around her when she's exploring on the living room floor because sometimes she will wobble & fall, bless her! then today she rolled over for the first time, I placed her onto her back on the livingroom floor with some toys whilst I popped into the kitchen to make her a bottle, & when I returned she was on her front! I asked Neil if he'd put her on her front & he said no, so I placed her onto her back once more & placed one of her rattles just out of reach, & right there in front of my very eyes, she rolled straight from her back onto her front & grabbed her rattle! she had such a cheeky & accomplished smile on her face! I have never felt such pride! 

I can't wait for the day she starts finding her feet & moving around, I still remember those days with Joel, & although he was a total nightmare & was into everything, I loved every moment! Joel started crawling around 7-8 months, but I honestly think Felicity will be on the move around 6-7 months, she's so ready to get going! 

Being a mum of two is totally amazing, so many milestones that are still to come for both of my children, next for Joel is starting reception in September, I know for a fact that I am going to whale like a good'un I cant actually believe he's 4 years old, my babies are growing up & although sometimes it saddens me, it makes me truly proud that I have created two beautiful & amazing children! 

Go me! ;) 

Silent Sunday.

Monday, 1 December 2014

Diary Post #64. Visiting Family. X

Dear Diary... 

On 26th November I took my children to see my family. They hadn't seen Joel since he was 2 years old & they hadn't met Felicity at all since she was born 5 months ago! we set off from Castleford at 10.30am & arrived in Barrow in Furness at 14.30pm, a four hour journey, with two children, luggage & a pram! something I was anxious about for weeks, but I did & I am so proud of myself now! Joel was a total gem! I was so proud of him when we got to Barrow, he stuck by me at all times & was a total star. 

We spent 4 days in Barrow, it was ment to be 5 days but Joel missed his dad hugely so we travelled home a day early. most of the time was spent with just family, who came to meet Felicity & to see Joel for the first time in 2 years! 

as well as my family seeing my children, I also got to meet my nephew Geordie-Roy for the first time since he was born in Febuary of this year! he's an absolutely stunner.. a double of his daddy & so loving & content.. I wanted to bring him home with me, he's such a credit to my sister & my brother in law.. Joel & Felicity loved him too, Joel was just as besotted with him as he is his sister, & I think Felicity was just curious at the fact that he was another baby hehe! 

aswell as seeing my family I saw my second mum too! I got to spend the afternoon with her, her daughter & my two children. She treat us all to lunch & copletely spoilt Joel. we took him to a soft play centre to burn some of that energy, & then she took us over to see her horses! it was such an awesome afternoon, I cant wait to see her again! 

On Sunday we travelled back to Leeds & Joel was so excited to see his dad.. when we arrived back into Castleford & his dad was there waiting for him, he did a total "movie moment" he dropped his backpack & ran towards his dad with his arms stretched out wide shouting "dadddddddddy" it totally put a lump in my throat! needless to say Joel was pleased to see his dad after 4 days away.

Not sure i'm going to be taking him home with me next time though, he really is a "home bird" prefers to be around things & people he knows properly, that's no offence to my family, its just the way things are, Joel's life is in Leeds, he doesnt know Barrow & in reality, he doesnt really know my family, not as much as he knows his dads. i'm just grateful my family havent took any sort of offence at this, because its not his fault & its not mine either, it's just how things are! 

Joel reunited with his Daddy.. X

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Diary Post #63.

My whole world & so much more..
my amazing little family. 

Dear Diary,

Neil lost his job the back end of October, this will be his second job this year. For him it has been a huge hit in his confidence because since he was 16 years old (he's 33 now) he's been in a job, he's supported his family & put our food on the table! so at the moment he feels like a bit of a failure. He isn't though, far from it. He's amazing. Something like this would usually break a couple up, but not us, we've been through far too much for something as "minor" as this to ruin us! instead it has made us even more closer as a family. 

Currently Neil has had to go on the sick due to his mental state, he's been suffering a lot of panic attacks since July due to stress, (me giving birth & the pressure of needing a job so that he can provide for his family) it's all just gotten to much for him, so the poor man is in a little bit of a state at the moment. 

Thankfully, there is a few benefits that we are entitled too until he is ready to go back into work! we don't plan on staying in this situation forever, I don't understand how anyone can willingly not go out to work & live such a hard life. of course i'm not coating everybody with the same brush, but there is people out there, who can't be bothered to work & they live on benfits all of the time! our benefits havent even started properly yet & Neil has been out of work for 3 weeks now, things have been seriously hard! thankfully though, our "main" things are paid for, rent to keep our house, milk & nappies for the baby & food in the cupboards for ourself & our son!

Were not going to be able to have the Christmas that we planned, but we don't care, as long as we are all together & we are able to afford a couple of presents for our children & some for the family too, that's what is important to us! 

Hopefully 2015 will be a much better year, Neil will be able to sort himself out & find a job that he is truly happy in, & things will eventually get better. For the time being though, all we really need is eachother, & as long as we have that & we stick together, then nothing can break us! & nothing ever will. 

Friday, 21 November 2014

Diary Post #62.

Dear Diary... 

On 10th January 2014 I was sexually assaulted walking down to nursery to collect my son. I was just minding my own business when a guy that was clearly drunk, or stoned out of his mind, approached me, grabbed me into a bear hug & started putting his hands down my top into my bra! Police were involved but the guy was never caught. I have been told that he has now moved out of the area, but this still doesnt help me when it comes to going out.

Also, at the time, I was 14 weeks pregnant with my daughter. 10 months on, the dark nights are setting in again & it's beginning to stir in my mind again, the anxiety of going out in the dark & the paranoia when I do. I have been to collect my son from nursery in the dark once since the clocks went back, & it was probably the most anxious I have ever been in my entire life. I spent the whole walk looking around my surroundings & looking over my shoulder until I got to nursery.. 

I send my husband to collect my son now & I drop him off in the afternoon when it's light. I know it was almost a year ago now, but it still scares me walking out in the dark :( 

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Three years post surgery.


3 years ago on this night, I was sat in Leeds General Infirmary Children's Surgery Ward awaiting what would be the most horrific week of my entire life - Joel's open lung surgery to remove the entire bottom lobe of his right lung were his CCAM sat. no matter how many days, weeks, months or even years go by, I will never forget this week. it was one of the most heartbreaking times in my entire life. I had to watch my 14 month old little boy go through complete agony & there was nothing I could do! Joel is my miracle, my warrior & my absolute world. I wouldn't wish CCAM on my worst enemy, but my boy got through it & with every milestone that he reaches, every achievement he makes & every birthday we share, I am the proudest mum on the entire planet, because in April 2010, I didn't think I would get to watch him grow into the handsome & amazing little boy that he has & I am so thankful that he made it. he has shown me just how strong he can be & he has taught me how to be strong too! I love you Joel, with every last breathe in my body!! <3

Monday, 10 November 2014

Diary Post #61 *Shunt paranoia*

Dear Diary.. 

so for the past few days I have really not been feeling very well. On Thursday evening, after me & the hubs had settled both children down in bed, we were getting ready to chill out ourselves, snuggle up & watch something on the tv together.. as I went to sit down on the sofa I kind of threw myself backwards, & as I did, Neil lifted his arm to put it round me & the back of my head kind of collided with his elbow.. he smacked me right in the back of the head, right on my shunt valve! which gave me an instant headache! At first I thought nothing of it, took some paracetmol & carried on with our evening, but that night after I had gone to bed I started to feel "strange" I cant explain the weirdness, it's like my body went completely numb & my hands & feet tingled & its as though I was having an out of body experience, all whilst i'm awake.. it only lasts a couple of seconds each time but it was scary as hell & I was having very strange dreams too.. 

I got really paranoid on Saturday that something bad was going to happen to me! i've been unbeliably tired & just feeling like crap! Thankfully this seems to have settled down since yesterday (Sunday) i'm still having a slight headache, but the "weirdness" seems to have calmed down which was what was freaking me out the most. I can deal with headaches, but I cant deal with not feeling as though i'm not in control of my own body. 

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Diary Post #60 "Hello, stranger...."

Dear Diary... 

So I realize that I havent written a proper blog post for some time now! I feel like I have kind of abandoned my blog a little to be honest. Ever since I became a mum of two my life has become a bit of a roller coaster if I am honest, I have spent the last 4 months battling my anxiety & post natal depression again, trying my hardest to stay strong & be a good mum & a good wife & also support my best friend who has also been going through a really hard time! 

On top of that I had to deal with friends falling out with me & trying to bring me down! BUT I wasnt going to let them get to me, I haven't spent the last 18 months building myself back up again for people to destroy me & send me back to were I was!! I decided I wasn't going back there, I wasn't going back to being the bitter, awful person I became in 2012, so yeah, I just kind of took a step back from everything & concentrated on what was important.. MY FAMILY. I went back onto my anti-depressants because I knew that it was something I needed to do for myself, & I have just been taking each day as it comes. 

It has been a few weeks since I have seen my health visitor too as she is currently off on sick leave, so I am having to do my best at "going it alone" I don't think I am doing too bad especially seen as the hubs is home at the moment due to being "finished" at work.. he too is having a stressful time of it at the moment & he told his boss that he didnt think he could handle the job so as a mutual decision they terminated his probation! no point being in a job you dont enjoy & is going to make you miserable right? this means things are going to be really tough for us until he gets himself back into work, but we are a strong family unit & together we can get through anything! on the positive, it also means I get some time with my husband & our children get some time with their daddy... which is something we could all do with! we may be skint, but at least we have each other. 

I am beginning to feel a lot more like myswlf thank goodness, I still have my wobbles & that is nothing to be ashamed of.. depression is an illness I will always live with & I am not ashaemd to admit that yes I do struggle sometimes, but as long as I have the people surrounding me that I do, I know I will be okay.