My name is Jharmain Mortimer (Jharr) I am 26 years old. I have suffered with depression since I was 19 years old. I have had some hard times, but I have also been blessed with a beautiful, full time energetic, four year old toddler named Joel! & our beautiful new daughter, Felicity! who came into our world on 3rd July 2014. The hard times have taught me much, & have helped me to become the women & Mummy that I am today. I still have my bad days but I also have my good days. It is the amazing support from family & those few friends that helps me want to fight & become a stronger person. I originally set up my blog so that I had my own bit of personal space to write down feelings! now I try to blog on a daily basis or whenever I can, I mostly like to talk about life in general, the joys of being a Mummy & wife, & how I live my life day to day coping with the ups & downs of Depression. I would like to think that any other Mums & Dads out there that suffer with depression & are reading my blog, find that it is helpful to them in some way or another because after all, depression isn't anything to be ashamed of. I like to be fairly open on alot of my topics because it is one of my ways that I find helps me to cope. People that choose to name call & label me for having a Blog are only defining themselves. :)

Always remember; Depression isn't weakness, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. depression is a sign of strength, because it means no matter how weak your mind might be to you, your heart is still strong enough to feel. hold your head up high & be proud of who you are! ~

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Three years post surgery.


3 years ago on this night, I was sat in Leeds General Infirmary Children's Surgery Ward awaiting what would be the most horrific week of my entire life - Joel's open lung surgery to remove the entire bottom lobe of his right lung were his CCAM sat. no matter how many days, weeks, months or even years go by, I will never forget this week. it was one of the most heartbreaking times in my entire life. I had to watch my 14 month old little boy go through complete agony & there was nothing I could do! Joel is my miracle, my warrior & my absolute world. I wouldn't wish CCAM on my worst enemy, but my boy got through it & with every milestone that he reaches, every achievement he makes & every birthday we share, I am the proudest mum on the entire planet, because in April 2010, I didn't think I would get to watch him grow into the handsome & amazing little boy that he has & I am so thankful that he made it. he has shown me just how strong he can be & he has taught me how to be strong too! I love you Joel, with every last breathe in my body!! <3

Monday, 10 November 2014

Diary Post #61 *Shunt paranoia*

Dear Diary.. 

so for the past few days I have really not been feeling very well. On Thursday evening, after me & the hubs had settled both children down in bed, we were getting ready to chill out ourselves, snuggle up & watch something on the tv together.. as I went to sit down on the sofa I kind of threw myself backwards, & as I did, Neil lifted his arm to put it round me & the back of my head kind of collided with his elbow.. he smacked me right in the back of the head, right on my shunt valve! which gave me an instant headache! At first I thought nothing of it, took some paracetmol & carried on with our evening, but that night after I had gone to bed I started to feel "strange" I cant explain the weirdness, it's like my body went completely numb & my hands & feet tingled & its as though I was having an out of body experience, all whilst i'm awake.. it only lasts a couple of seconds each time but it was scary as hell & I was having very strange dreams too.. 

I got really paranoid on Saturday that something bad was going to happen to me! i've been unbeliably tired & just feeling like crap! Thankfully this seems to have settled down since yesterday (Sunday) i'm still having a slight headache, but the "weirdness" seems to have calmed down which was what was freaking me out the most. I can deal with headaches, but I cant deal with not feeling as though i'm not in control of my own body. 

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Diary Post #60 "Hello, stranger...."

Dear Diary... 

So I realize that I havent written a proper blog post for some time now! I feel like I have kind of abandoned my blog a little to be honest. Ever since I became a mum of two my life has become a bit of a roller coaster if I am honest, I have spent the last 4 months battling my anxiety & post natal depression again, trying my hardest to stay strong & be a good mum & a good wife & also support my best friend who has also been going through a really hard time! 

On top of that I had to deal with friends falling out with me & trying to bring me down! BUT I wasnt going to let them get to me, I haven't spent the last 18 months building myself back up again for people to destroy me & send me back to were I was!! I decided I wasn't going back there, I wasn't going back to being the bitter, awful person I became in 2012, so yeah, I just kind of took a step back from everything & concentrated on what was important.. MY FAMILY. I went back onto my anti-depressants because I knew that it was something I needed to do for myself, & I have just been taking each day as it comes. 

It has been a few weeks since I have seen my health visitor too as she is currently off on sick leave, so I am having to do my best at "going it alone" I don't think I am doing too bad especially seen as the hubs is home at the moment due to being "finished" at work.. he too is having a stressful time of it at the moment & he told his boss that he didnt think he could handle the job so as a mutual decision they terminated his probation! no point being in a job you dont enjoy & is going to make you miserable right? this means things are going to be really tough for us until he gets himself back into work, but we are a strong family unit & together we can get through anything! on the positive, it also means I get some time with my husband & our children get some time with their daddy... which is something we could all do with! we may be skint, but at least we have each other. 

I am beginning to feel a lot more like myswlf thank goodness, I still have my wobbles & that is nothing to be ashamed of.. depression is an illness I will always live with & I am not ashaemd to admit that yes I do struggle sometimes, but as long as I have the people surrounding me that I do, I know I will be okay.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Diary Post #59. Foot in Mouth Syndrome.

Dear Diary...

One day I will learn not to get so close to friends that I make on the internet.. because when I have a bad day & the depression threatens to take over, I cant control my gob.. never mind my thoughts.

I am sorry for what I said. I am sorry for how I acted & I am just sorry from the bottom of my heart..
not that I can take any of it back now but there you go! yet again I screw up something else that was actually good in my life, & now i'm left with what? with people that dislike me!

well done Jharr, well done.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Diary Post #58 - Getting older.

Dear Diary...

6 days ago I celebrated my 27th birthday & just recently I have been looking back on just how much my life has changed in just 8 small years. At the age of 19 years old, I made the biggest decision of my life, & I moved 100 miles away from my family to set up home with my fiance Neil, who proposed to me in 2006! after living in Leeds for one whole year, we decided to set a date for our wedding & we "tied the knot" in June 2008.. fast forward another 2 years & I was pregnant with our now 4 year old son Joel... a scary but precious time (to which is a whole other story if you don't already know) now, another 2 years later, in 2014, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Felicity back in July, who is now 3 months old & absolutely adorable!

so, in 8 years I have done things I never thought would happen in my life.. i've moved away from home, i've gotten married & I have had two beautiful children with my soul mate.

Despite the struggles I have in my everyday life, I am definetely one of the lucky ones.

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Diary Post #57. "Three beautiful months as a Mum of two."

Dear Diary...

Three amazing months have past since I brought my beautiful daughter into the world & it has been the most life changing yet amazing three months of my life. 

All I have ever wanted from being the age of 17, was to have children of my own & be a mum! I now have that, & I honestly couldn't be happier. what more could a girl ask for? Life sure is fantastic right now, I have great friends, great family & an amazing, supportive & loving husband. I also have the greatest support network & because of that, I am slowly beginning to conquer my depression & anxiety day by day. 

The first couple of weeks after having Felicity have been quite rocky, I started to slip where my PND was concerned, I lost interest in a lot of things & I spent most days in tears.. I didnt want to end up as bad as I was after having Joel so after a week or so, I asked for help! Something which I am very proud of, because it's something I never did with Joel! My health visitor has been amazing too! she has been visiting me on a regular basis every couple of weeks since having Felicity & will contuine to do so until I feel ready to make time inbetween her visits longer. 

aswell as initial support from my health visitor, I have also been back on my medication for 5 weeks now, & truth be told, I am feeling so much more in control. After speaking with my husband & my health visitor, I also made the decision to place Felicity into nursery for one afternoon a week, a decision that I didnt make lightly! I asked all of my family first to see if I could come to an arrangement with them, before I even considered nursery, because placing her into nursery wasnt one of my first options, infact, it was my last. Still, some people didnt agree nor did they understand why I am doing this, & why I have made this choice for my children. instead of supporting me like i'm sure a friend should, they accused me of alsorts & branded me as a bad parent. something I know I am not. if I was a bad parent I wouldnt be doing something that I thought was the best for my children. How is my children seeing me crying & suffering low moods good for them? By placing my daughter into nursery one afternoon a week (a nursery which Joel has been attending since he was 16 months old, so the staff aint exactly strangers to me) this gives me a little time to take control where my depression is concerned, & as selfish as it might sound, have a few hours to myself, take a bath, eat a proper meal, even have a nap! after all, what good am I to my children if I am run down & unhappy? no good whatsoever. 

I am extrememly proud of myself for the way I am handling things, & those who love me understand what I am going through & are all happy to help me without no judgement whtsoever! I dont get why some people have to give their say on your life, it's proper childish! people should just concentrate on their own life & if they cant be happy for you & support you, then why are they even friends with you? I am hoping all the friends I have now are true friends because I am sick to the back teeth of getting hurt & these so called "friends" only caring about whats going off in their life.

I will eventually beat my depression, I may have taken a few steps backwards just recently but I will get back on top of things again & eventually overcome this because I am a strong person & I have all the support & love that I need. I have my children & as long as I have them, I can overcome anything! they are my world & the reason I fight this everyday. 

screw all the negative nobheads! ;) 

Silent Sunday.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Diary Post #65. What is Friendship?

Dear Diary... 

I had this "friend" well, I thought she was a friend. I met her in person last year & she was the most lovliest, bubbliest person I had ever met, & I truly believed that in her, I had found a friend for life... I was so very wrong & it truly saddens me. 

What kind of "friend" constantly judges you? what kind of friend rips apart all of your decisions & when it comes to "supporting you" they're not interested, but they always expect you to be there for them! Thinking about it now, I wish I had never met her, I wish I had never let her get under my skin & I wish I had never trusted her because she has just thrown everything back in my face & shown her true colors! I don't hate her, i'm just disappointed that she turned into a person I never thought she would. 

She has become so jealous, bitter & vindictive. Everything is about "her!" it doesnt matter if you have problems, hers are always bigger, when I had down moments & when to her for a shoulder to cry on, she'd just tell me to "pull myself together" or ask me "what have I got to be depressed about?" yet when she had down days she expected me to help her feel better... that is not a friend, I realize that now! I gave her so many chances, the last time we fell out, was when I was pregnant, she sent me some disgusting, inhuman, awful emails, but I chose to be the bigger person & ignore them, 4 months later just after I had my daughter, she came crawling telling me she misses me & that she was so very "sorry" & stupid old me goes & fogives her, I thought she had changed, pft, yep, I was wrong, again! 

My daughters not even 3 months old & she's turned on me again just because I told her I was placing my daughter into nursery for 4 hours a week so that I could take back control with my moods! she accused me of "farming" off my children, this being a woman who is "so very ill" she has every tom dick & harry looking after her son picking him up from school & looking after him,! at least I know where my children are & who they're with, which is me most days, not half of my neighborhood! she claims to also have depression, but what kind of woman who has depression can be so disgusting to another sufferer? 

I admit, I also said some awful awful things, but she's the sort of person that pushes & pushes & pushes until you snap & say things you wish you hadnt just to make her shut the fuck up! i've now resorted in changing my mobile number just to get away from her vile messages. It has taken a year & half but i'm now realizing that woman is beyond help, eventually she will lose everybody that cares about her & I really couldnt care less anymore, infact, for all I care, she can go take a long run & jump... off a very big cliff. 

Thursday, 18 September 2014

Diary Post #64. Surprises.

Dear Diary...

Today we got a lovely surprise visit from a friend. Sharna, her partner & their beautiful baby girl, Charlie! 

Me & Sharna have gone through our last two pregnancies together. My eldest Joel & her middle little girl Jessica were born 5 weeks apart back in 2010! now, four years later, we fell pregnant together again, only this time, my little ladybug Felicity, & her little girl Charlie, were born only 5 days apart! Technically it should have been only one day apart, as my section was planned for 7th July & hers the 8th! but my daughter decided to be cheeky & make an early arrival on 3rd July instead! ;) 

Unfotunetely :( They couldnt stay too long! but we are hoping to meet up again & have a full day together.. feels like I havent seen her in forever! well, technically, I havent, not since 2010 anyways! still, it was a lovely suprise & really brightened my day.... 


Wednesday, 17 September 2014

Diary Post #63.

Dear Diary... 

- Tell me... 

How can I rub my children in somebodys face when they know that my blog/facebook page is all about my life in general - & the main topic 95% of the time is my children!? said person is no longer on my friends list on my personal page because they deleted me & then fobbed me off with some "virus" bullshit, & now they're winging & saying I rub the fact that i've had another baby in their face!

FYI: - & this goes for others too..
if you choose to read my blog then that's down to you, don't then go winging & bitching & making everything about you! i'm sick of listening to said persons & other people's attention seeking, pathetic, verbal diarrehoa!

The only person's "opinions" that are valid when it comes to my children, is their daddy, afterall, when it comes to making choices for OUR family, nobody else matters. it hasnt got anything to do with anybody else... If I want to let my son run round topless, I will! if I want to let my son play video games in the garden in the sun, I will! & if I want to place my daughter into nursery for 4 hours ONE afternoon a week so that I can take control of my depression I WILL!!

so do me a favor, before anyone decides to judge me, just make sure your life is perfect first. people that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

rant over.
(sorry guys) 

Diary post #62.

Dear Diary.. 

- I suffered post-natal depression really bad with my son, to the point were I packed him up a bag & handed him over to my health visitor & told her to give him to another family... to this day I still beat myself up for what I did.. how could I tell her to just give my son away?! 

so you tell me, why would I let myself go through that again? Yes, I have put my 10 week old daughter into nursery for ONE measley afternoon a week, 4 little hours a week, 4 little hours that gives me time to recharge my batteries & take control!

i'm PROUD of myself for this, I have saved my daughter & my son from potentially seeing me break down! i'm PROUD of myself for seeing the signs of my post natal depression creeping in again & doing something about it. I dont want it to get a hold of me like it did before, so I have done what I thought was best & I have asked for help for when my husband is not avaliable & neither are my family members! this is something I never did before......

I suffered depression before I met my husband
I suffered depression before I had my children
Yes, I have everything I ever wanted but I still suffer with depression.

i'm the happiest person in the world 50% of the time, I know what I have, some people would love, & I do feel truly grateful but I cant help the fact that I suffer depression, & I cant just press a button & make it disappear! I wish I could.

i'm truly grateful that I have a loving & understanding husband & family, because the world is a cruel place, some people can be so unbelievable cruel & it seems these days that if someone isn't experiencing what you are, then straight away they judge you.

People shouldnt judge what they clearly dont understand & know nothing about.

People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones! 

Monday, 15 September 2014

Diary Post #61. (Happy 4th Birthday Joel.)

Dear Diary.. 

I can't believe that my beatutiful little boy is now 4 years old, what an amazing weekend it has been. Joel has had an amazing birthday weekend, I have honestly never seen a little boy as loved as he is! aswell as toys from me & his daddy, he also got new clothes, dvds & £40's in money from the family. The boy has that many toys that we weren't sure what to let him do with his birthday money, some of the family mentioned putting it into a savings account for him, but then me & Neil both just looked at each other & I swear it was really crazy how we both had the exact same idea! we have decided to put £40-£50 (depending on how much it costs) toward the money Joel already has & finally get him that 6ft trampoline for the back garden that he's been after for a very long time now! ;) we haven't told him, & were hoping to find one & have it within the next couple of weeks so that we can surprise him with it. He doesn't understand what birthday money is, so we think this is a fantastic idea for him!

yesterday (14.09.2014) we had Joel's birthday party & it was a fantastic day, he had a great time with his friends & all of the family! I still cant quite believe that my beautiful little boy is now 4 years old.