My name is Jharmain Mortimer (Jharr) I am 26 years old. I have suffered with depression since I was 19 years old. I have had some hard times, but I have also been blessed with a beautiful, full time energetic, three year old toddler named Joel & our beautiful daughter Felicity who came into our world on 3rd July 2014. The hard times have taught me much, & have helped me to become the women & Mummy that I am today. I still have my bad days but I also have my good days. It is the amazing support from family & those few friends that helps me want to fight & become a stronger person. I originally set up my blog so that I had my own bit of personal space to write down feelings! now I try to blog on a daily basis or whenever I can, I mostly like to talk about life in general, the joys of being a Mummy & wife, & how I live my life day to day coping with the ups & downs of Depression. I would like to think that any other Mums & Dads out there that suffer with depression & are reading my blog, find that it is helpful to them in some way or another because after all, depression isn't anything to be ashamed of. I like to be fairly open on alot of my topics because it is one of my ways that I find helps me to cope. People that choose to name call & label me for having a Blog are only defining themselves. :)

Always remember; Depression isn't weakness, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. depression is a sign of strength, because it means no matter how weak your mind might be to you, your heart is still strong enough to feel. hold your head up high & be proud of who you are! ~

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Diary Post #56. (Labour & birth)

Dear Diary... 

Getting to experience labour even though you know in your heart that you will no doubt end up with a section at the end of it was one of the world scariest yet proudest moments in my life! I did 10 hours of labour with Felicity, "proper gave it some welly" according to Neil, & even though we ended up in theater having our planned section after all, i'm now not sat here thinking, "I wish i'd tried" because I did! I knew for a fact i'd end up with a section, but there was just this little part of me that couldnt help think "what if I can do it myself?" a little part of me that ached to experience labour again... so really, i'm glad I went into labour on my own, because as much as I was shitting myself, I was allowed to do things my way, I took control & I did good. Felicity may have come out of my stomach, but I brought my little girl into this world MY way & I am so so proud of myself for that. 

At 36 weeks I signed forms to have a planned section due to my labour with my son going wrong & him getting stuck due to me suffering with a pelvis disorder. At 38 weeks I was found to be in slow labour, but I was stuck at 2cm dilated. I spent two days in hospital contracting & in pain, then all of a sudden it all stopped, so I was sent home. Exactly one week later, at 39 weeks, I woke up the early hours of Wednesday morning to find i'd had my "blood show" & the contractions were back, at first I just thought "here we go again" so I tried my best to ignore it & get on with the day... but by Wednesday tea time the contractions had sped up & I was really beginning to feel the pain, so again we took a trip to the hospital, all the while I just kept thinking "here we go again, another false alarm" once at Maternity assessment I was examined & told that I was 3cm dilated (yey, we'd progressed) 1cm in a whole week though, seriously? so I was then taken to the delivery suite were I was made comfortable & spent the following 6 hours bouncing on a birthing ball, drinking fluids & having dehydracodine for my pain! at midnight I was examined again but I hadnt progressed, so I was sent back to the maternity assessment ward & Neil was sent home to get some rest.. because as we were about to find out, this was the calm before the storm... 

Two hours later at 2am! I woke up panting, sweating & unable to breathe through the pain! The midwife asked if I wanted more pain relief & I told her that I wanted examining! She examined me & finally, I was 4cm! ESTABLISHED LABOUR! so again I was taken back to the delivery suite were I was now able to have some of the "good stuff" gas & air ;) I sent Neil a text telling him we were finally in established labour & to get some sleep but get here early. The midwife looking after me was lovely, we talked about alsorts, friends, family, weddings, hobbies, likes & dislikes. Neil wasnt with me for 6 hours of my labour & she really helped keep me calm. Neil arrived around 6am & I was examined again & told my waters had gone & I was between 6-7cm dilated.

Around 11am the pain got really bad & I started asking for an epidural, Felicity was back to back so all my contractions were building up in my back & it was agony! I remember being checked again & being told I was fully dilated & me thinking "oh fuck, oh no!" it was agreed for me to have an epidural though, & once that was in, I started pushing, I spent an hour pushing but just like the first time, Felicity didn't budge! so after an hour, I was taken to theatre for them to try forceps to see if they could get her out that way.. this once again failed, so I was then given my planned section & at 12.40pm our daughter entered the world & it was amazing, I remember the exact moment, I burst into tears & so did Neil! Neil took pictures whilst she was cleaned up & I waited to see my daughter for the first time! (which felt like forever) but then he brought her over to me & I can't even explain that rush of love that surged through my body the minute I clapped my eyes on her! I was so worried thar I wasn't going to love her as much as I do Joel, but I needen't have bothered because she was absolutle perfection & I knew in that moment I loved her. 

After what felt like a life time in theatre being stiched up, we were then taken to recovery, were I got to have my first proper cuddle with my daughter!! I can't even put the experience into words, even now i'm still a little in shock, the whole thing was just perfect, the atmosphere, the medical staff, even Neil. It really was a lovely experience, especially after my rubbish time with Joel & I truly feel blessed to have been able to experience natural again even though I didn't manage it alone! 

Felicity is now 12 days old & I still look at her & want to cry because I can't believe she is finally here... 24 months I waited for my little ladybug! 14 months of trying to concieve & then 9 months of her growing inside me & I can tell you, she was more than worth the wait, she is amazing! 

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 39. (Welcome to the world Felicity.)

Dear Diary.. 

Week 39:

I would like to introuduce to you all our beautiful daughter, MISS FELICITY RAE-ELLEN MORTIMER. who entered the world at 39 weeks gestation; Thursday 3rd July 2014 at 12.40pm weighing 7lb 14oz! I kind of always knew she "might" arrive early, but I got the shock of my life when she actually did. 

As you all know, if you have been following, I was taken into hospital at 38 weeks & told I was in slow labour & stuck at 2cm dilated. well, exactly one week later, the following Wednesday tea time, I was once again back at the hospital, only this time i'd had my "blood show" & contractions had been coming since early hours of Wednesday morning! I was examined & told that I was 3cm dilated & they took me up to the delivery suite, at this point I wasn't too excited as we'd been through all this the week before & I just assumed i'd spend a few hours there, come back to the ward & then go home the following day! I did spend a few hours there & then end up back on the assesment ward, but at 2am, my contractions had sped up & become a little more regular, so I was examined again & found to be 4cm dilated, finally ESTABLISHED LABOUR! what I had been waiting for a whole week! typically it happened two hours after Neil had been sent home, so I sent him a text told him I was on delivery but to get some sleep as nothing too drestic was happening at the moment. 

On delivery suite I was given gas & air (the good stuff) & dyamorphine for the pain! I remember talking with the midwife for a few hours, we got talking about our favorite mcdonalds foods, family, friends ect, it was really nice & then things start to go a bit blurred in my mind. I remember Neil arriving around 6am & the midwife examining me again & telling me I was 6-7cm dilated & I also remember a new midwife introuducing herself to me at change over around 7am, after that I think it was around 10am & I was asking for an epidural because the pain had gotten really bad & because our girl was back to back the contractions were all building up in my back & the only comfy place was on all fours! I don't know what time it was, but I was eventually given at epidural at full dilation, this isnt usually recommended but because of the positiong of our daughter the doctors were concerned about the amount of pain I was actually in so they went ahead & it worked. I then spent one hour trying to push our daughter into the world, but unfortunetely she didn't move down enough so I was taken for forceps in theatre which also failed, so I was then given the section that I had signed up for at 36 weeks & at 12.40pm our duaghter came into the world. 

After 4 days in hospital we are now home & I am loving every moment of being a Mummy of two! I had so many worries about how things would be when I was pregnant, & thinking back now, I really don't know why I was worried! Joel loves his sister to the stars, & although she has only been here with us 6 days, it already feels like she's been here forever! 

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Pregnancy Diary Week 37.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 37: 

So this week has been a bit of a crazy one! at the beginning of the week I started to really suffer with what I thought was Braxton Hicks, then on Tuesday evening, I had a blood show, so I rang maternity assessment & they told me to relax, take some pain killers & get a bath, all of this I did but through the night I started to suffer with pains that were vertually on top of each other! all day Wednesday I wasn't sure what to do with myself, I didn't want to go all the way to hospital just for them to say "its just Braxton Hicks" me look like a total fool & be sent home! so I carried on suffering... but come evening time, I couldn't take it no more & the pains had become really rather intense, 3-4 minutes apart & lasting 1+half minutes, so me & the hubby took a trip up to hospital & our friend Tasha took Joel to her house.

when we got to the maternity assesment center, they examined me & told me I was actually 2cm dilated, but my daughter is lying in the "back to back" position, which can be why I am  having contractions that are practically "on top of each other" but i'm not really progressing. the back to back position can really slow labour down. They then decided to keep me in over night because I was in so much pain & also because I am booked in for a planned section. I had a bath after Neil went home at 10pm & spent alot of the night bouncing on a birthing ball, but nothing seem to ease the pain! 

Thursday morning my contractions really sped up & I was taken over to delivery suite so that more could be done for me pain wise! again I hadn't progressed though, I was still stuck at 2cm! I spent all day having contractions & it was suggested that I should maybe get into one of the birthing pools to help with the pain, so I did this & it was AMAZING! ;) but after that the pains just stopped dead... :/ altogether I spent 48 hours in hospital with contractions & agonizing backache due to my daughters position! but because I hadn't yet progressed past 2cm, they let me come home! 

I got home to my boy Friday afternoon! & i've pretty much been the same since, i'm still suffering with "tightnings" & agonizing backache, so I am spending alot of time in the bath to ease the pain & trying to rest up the best I can. 

I am now 38 weeks & 3 days along in my pregnancy & we have 8 days to go until I have my planned section, & I am not even joking, it can't come fast enough! I have now given up on my daighter making an "early" appearance, I think she's just being a meany with me & i'm guna have to wait until 7th July when I have my section to get my first cuddle!

Symptoms this week have been; Heartburn, contractions & backache!! swollen feet, dizzy spells & TIREDNESS!!!! - due to not being able to get comfortable, anywhere!

That's all for this week... 
Hopefully I get to write one more post before our little ladybug arrives & if not, then I guess my next one will be our birth announcement! :D Thank you for reading. X 

Silent Sunday.

Monday, 16 June 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 35 & Week 36.

Dear Diary. 

So guys, this post is going to be a double dose as I completely forgot to do a week 35 post due to so much going on at the moment! i'm sorry about that. 

Week 35 & Week 36:

The last two weeks have been rather eventful to say the least.. at 35 weeks I visited the hospital to sign all my consent forms for my elective section & have MRSA swabs done & apart from the hospital being utterly chocka-block & me not actually seeing anyone until an hour after my appointment should have been, everything else went pretty much to plan! because of my lung condition though, I have to see an anaesthetist on Thursday (19th June) so they can check my chest & talk to me about what will be happening in theatre. also on 2nd July, I have to go & have my pre-bloods done so that they have blood on standby if I need it during or after my op! This can't be done though until 5-7 days before my section, hence why I will be having it done on 2nd July!

HOPEFULLY asides from these two appointments, that's me pretty much done with the hospital now until section day, fingers crossed. I will still be having appointments with my midwife right up until I have our little lady though, then until I am 10 days post op! after that I will be discharged & my health visitor will take over from my midwife! 


Braxton hicks, pelvis pain, backache, heartburn & swelling of the hands, feet & ankles have become the main culprits this past fortnight. Such fun.

 Me & my Princess Fiona Ogre feet. 
don't you just LOVE the back end of pregnancy? ;) 

That's it for this "fortnights" instalments! keep an eye out for our next post. 
Thank you for reading. X 

Diary Post #65.

Dear Diary.. 

This weekend myself, my husband, two of our closest friends & our little boys all went out to celebrate mine & my husband's 6th wedding anniversary. We all went to TGI Friday's for Lunch, & then we spent the afternoon in the arcades having fun! It truly was an amazing day spent with those who meant the most to us!

Here's to 6 years of marriage & hopefully many more years to come! <3

Sunday, 8 June 2014

Silent Sunday.

Diary Post #64.

The love of my life! 

On Saturday 14th June 2008, this "very unhinged, totally out of his mind" man made me the happiest girl alive & I became his wife! 

I am very excited to say, that on Saturday 14th June 2014, we will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary together! 

Neil is my utter rock!! he has made my life so much better & has given me so much, including our gorgeous son Joel & in a few weeks time, we shall be sat in Leeds General Infirmary operating theatre bringing our beautiful daughter into the world together! 

My life couldn't get any better right now, I have never felt so complete.

Pregnancy Diary. Week 34.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 34: 

So this week I had a bit of a scare... my own doing! 

I was in the back garden playing Frisbee with Joel & it went over into next doors garden! next door who are NEVER in I may add. So not even thinking about it, I decided I would climb over the fence to get Joel's frisbee back! something every mother would do for their child right? not at 34 weeks pregnant with a huge stomach they wouldn't..... but I didn't think of this until later on! 

I climbed over the fence & got myself stuck, I had one leg over into next door & my other still in ours & I couldn't hoist my leg over & the more I tried the more I was pinned down on the fence & putting pressure on my stomach! what to do? there was nothing I could do because there was only myself & Joel home, so I had to carry on! eventually I got my legs over the fence, grabbed the frisbee & got back over into our garden, but then panic struck as I began stuffing stomach cramp! They didn't last too long & the whole time my girl was kicking, but hell did it scare me!! after that she went awfully quiet too, so I spent the rest of the day constantly going to the toilet expecting to see blood! When evening came & she wasn't her usually lively self I freaked out & called maternity assessment, told them what happened & they told me that she is perfectly protected in there but sometimes a knock to the stomach can make the uterus move backwards, so although she would still have been moving as normal I wouldnt have felt it much, so I was told to get a bath (because the water from the bath would push my uterus to the front of my stomach) & if I didn't feel her move in the next hour I could go in & they would do a heart trace on her!

THANKFULLY after only being in the bath 20 minutes she was kicking the crap out of me again & honestly, I don't think I have ever been so relieved to have her sticking her body parts out  hurting me! Needless to say I haven't climbed no more fences & I have really been thinking about what I have been doing! 

Symptoms this week have been; 

HIP PAIN like you wouldn't believe, i'm pretty sure she's starting to engage now as I keep having pains in my groin that feels like somebody is stabbing me & they're quite "stingy" too! 

TIREDNESS Still suffering with this little beauty unfortunately, but this week it has felt like no many how much sleep I have gotten I could still sleep for the remainder of my pregnancy.

HEARTBURN The heartburn has been dreadful, I haven't been able to eat anything without suffering! so I just eat whatever I want now, I have come to the conclusion that, doesn't matter what I eat i'm still guna get heartburn so I may as well enjoy my food ha! 

SWELLING This week I had to take off my wedding & engagement rings, which has made me feel utterly naked & on top of that, it's my 6th wedding anniversary on Saturday 14th June & I just feel so wrong not wearing my rings! I have also had to purchase some flip flops because I can no longer get my feet into my trainers! (such fun) 

Only another 29 days days left to go now though & our beautiful little lady will be here! Now the countdown really begins & i'm not going to lie, i'm shitting my pants! 

That's it for this weeks update, keep a look out for next weeks! ;)
Thank you for reading! X  

Thursday, 29 May 2014

Diary Post #63.

Dear Diary.. 

There is nothing like having an amazing "support network". Ever since I found out I was expecting my second child in November 2013, I have really found out who my "true" friends are! Some have completely snubbed me, so I binned them off,  & others have really supported me & shown me what having a "real" friend means. 

When I first found out I was pregnant, although we had been trying for 14 & half months, it hit me really hard & I was a bag of nerves! I never actually imagined it happening again, & after everything I went through with Joel, falling pregnant & the possibility of our second baby also having the problems he did, lay heavy on my mind. I struggled rather a lot for the first 5 months, constantly thinking about it & praying it wasn't going to happen, & thankfully it never did, but it was having that one friend there supporting me that got me through! she listened to my worries, let me vent & most of all, gave me a shoulder to cry on & didn't judge me! The second half of my pregnancy has been amazing, I have very much relaxed & enjoyed every moment. something I never once did with Joel, so it has been nice! & this is all thanks to my best friend Natasha Cooper. Nobody else. 

I can't wait for her to meet her god daughter for the first time in 5 weeks time because from beginning to end she has been there for me! both myself & Neil couldn't think of a better person to be our children's god parent. Natasha truly has shown me what a best friend is & has helped me through so much! everything just comes so easy with her, we both have boys the same age, & we've both suffered with depression & anxiety! we basically bounce off each other & help pull each other up on our bad days! we are quite literally inseparable, & in my eyes, that's what a friendship should be! none of this, "oh my problems are bigger than yours" crap. Can't be dealing with that shit man.

I am just so happy right now, & I am finally in a place were I have wanted to be for the past 12 months, I have finally reached the end of that tunnel & I know for a fact that if I do slip again, I have people as well as my husband who will hold my hand & pull my back up, so I know that I don't need to worry!! Life is good.

Pregnancy Diary. Week 33.

Dear Diary.. 

Week 33: 

This week we had our LAST growth scan & got the pleasure of seeing our little ladybug for the last time before we finally get to meet her in person in July! It was totally amazing, she was looking right at us & her face was so clear... & chubby! :D I was also given a brief talking to about my upcoming elective section & was given leaflets that I have been reading through since yesterday. (pretty daunting stuff)

Our little ladybug at 33+6! her estimated weight is 5lb 14oz.

In 2 weeks time, I will be going back to hospital to sign all of my consent forms, have bloods taken for theater prep & they also spoke to me about having swabs for the MRSA virus? I'm not quite sure what that is all about at the moment because she just kinda skimmed over it, but I will learn more when I go back at 36 weeks I guess.
It's all so darn real now, & I am not actually afraid to admit that I am starting to feel quite nervous, but at the same time I am so much more excited about meeting our DAUGHTER! it's so overwhelming that I want to fill up & cry whenever I think about holding her for the first time ha ha!

My mood this week has been amazing, although I have been suffering with a lot of symptoms, stabbing pains in my "lady garden" heartburn, tiredness & even pain in my boobs that has felt like someone has gotten a hot needle & inserted it into my breast (ouch) on the "depression" side of things though, my mood couldn't be any better, I have such an amazing support network of family & friends that I didn't even realize I had last-time & that is why I ended up like I did, but this time, I am taking full advantage & using it, if I need help, I am asking for it. 

That's pretty much it for this week guys! 
keep a look out for my next post & thank you for reading! X

Monday, 19 May 2014

Diary post #62.

Dear Diary.. 

This time last year I had hit a rocky road in my life. I was an utter mess & I never thought the day would come were I could actually say that I am finally in a place were I can feel happy & contented once again, but I am here!! I have arrived. Life is fucking amazing! <3

I am slowly learning & seeing who is there for me & who isnt, & those who aren't I am cutting all ties with & letting go, for good! onwards & upwards baby! I only need & I only want positive people in my life, no miserable bastards bringing me down! I see this now... It took long enough. Positive thoughts bring positive feelings & ultimately make you happy! & in all honesty, being happy is all I want. 

Depression/Anxiety & Panic attacks are a shit deal. I still sometimes have days were I think I can't cope anymore, but never again will I succumb to it & let it take over my life like I did last year. I have my two beautiful babies to think about, to love & to protect. They need me more than ANYONE! 

Pregnancy Diary. Week 32.

Dear Diary..

Week 32: 

On 13th May I saw my midwife again for another check up which went great, our daughter is growing right on target & her heart rate was 138bpm! she sounded so happy & content, it was lovely! by far my most favorite part about seeing the midwife ;) 

Whilst I was with my midwife I was also given my Hooping Cough Vaccine! this helps to build my immune system as well as our daughters, which will help protect her from any infections or illness once she is born, right up until she has her first vaccinations at 8 weeks old! The only thing that is a tad naff about it is, I have been feeling incredibly lousy! It has given me a right belter of a cold, that I am still trying to shift & on top of that I have just gotten over a chest infection too! :/ but all in all I am feeling good. 

My mood has been a little all over the place these past few days, bawling my eyes out one minute & then feeling incredibly happy the next! Joys of carrying a girl I suspect ha! my symptoms haven't been too bad this week though thankfully! the heartburn seems to have calmed down a little, that is as long as I don't eat something I know will flare it! The only thing I have really been struggling with this week is the tiredness! what with all this hot weather, I have been slowly melting & wanting to do nothing but sleep! 

The highlight of my weekend was when I took an afternoon nap in just a tshirt & my underwear on top of the covers with my bedroom window wide open & the fan on me! ;) total bliss! 

Next Wednesday we get to see our daughter for the LAST TIME before she is born! this is a little gutting, but also very exciting because I know we are finally getting that little bit closer to finally meeting her! I then see my midwife again on 3rd June! 

Not long left to go now! - 7 weeks! 
I am so excited. 

That is pretty much it for this week! 
thanks for reading. Xx

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Diary Post #61.

Dear Diary... 

A weekend in the sun!

The best weekends are the ones were there are simply no agenda's, just lots of time spent together, making lots of memories! :) This weekend has been spent with our nearest & dearest enjoying the sun & having lots of fun! 

On Friday my best friend came over with her little boy after Joel finished nursery & we decided to buy the boys a little paddling pool for the back garden, so then the boys spent the majority of the afternoon dive bombing into the pool & then heading down the slide with wet underpants on & shooting across the garden at full speed, to which they both found hilarious! Needless to say they both had a fun-filled afternoon & were no problem when it came to bedtime! 

Saturday was another day spent in the garden, but this time with my boys! again we got the pool out for Joel & he spent the afternoon splashing around & having fun & we also had a picnic tea & ice -cream! I think it is safe to say that so far we have definitely gotten our moneys worth out of that £12 paddling pool! ;) Hopefully this week the weather will be just as nice so that we can have more picnics & lots more fun in the garden! 

Also due to the lovely weather that we've been having, I have managed to get all of our daughters clothes washed & put away ready for her arrival in 7 weeks time! all that is left to do now, is to arrange her draws into the right sizes & such so that I know what is what! 

A sight never before seen on my washing line is lots of pretty girls clothing & dresses! it has most definitely gotten me feeling extremely excited & broody. 

That's all for this post. I hope everybody is enjoying this lovely weather just as much as us! 
thank you for reading. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Silent Sunday.

Friday, 16 May 2014

Pregnancy Diary. Week 31.

Dear Diary... 

Week 31: 

7 weeks to go boys & girls!! ;) 

Not much to report this week so I am sorry if this post is a little "boring" :/ its been a quiet week to say the least.. but I guess now is the "calm before the storm" period! enjoying relaxing & slowly getting everything together ready for my girls big arrival. 

symptoms this week have also pretty much been the same! 

* Tiredness
* Emotions (left, right & center) 

you name it, i've probably felt it this week. 

That's all for this week pretty much!