Friday, 24 July 2015

Diary Post #111. SCHOOL IS OUT!!!!!!!!!!

Dear Diary.. 

Today Joel had his last EVER session at The Grange Nursery & as of September my "not so little anymore" baby boy will be starting at big boy school & going into reception! 

Tonight I have been looking through his portfolio that his keyworker gave me before we came home today & I am not going to lie when I say I shed a few tears.

I never actually ever imagined him leaving that place, & I am so sad that he now has, but at the same time I am really loking forward to September & watching my boy start a new adventure in big boy school. I don't want him to grow up & I am feeling seriously emotional this evening. :( 

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Diary post #110... When I say "SORRY" I mean it.

Dear Diary..

i'm not going to lie here.. ever since I saw the eye specialist a few weeks ago about my headaches - which then turned out to be "pigment dispersion Glaucoma" in both of my eyes, & then after that I saw the doctor & we discussed ALL of my health issues & what will & what might happen in the future, I have hit a massive low. i've become paranoid as I know that I sometimes go on alot about how I feel & the stuff that is going on in my life & things I have been through, & as much as I try to stop myself, at the same time I can't stop because its a huge relief to get it off my shoulders & writen down.. 

I deleted people from my personal facebook recently, people who where my friends - "where" they want nothing to do with now & I do not blame them! the truth is, I didn't want the past repeating itself & the getting hurt by me - again! a couple of years ago I hit the self-destruct button & totally "went off the rails" where my mental health was concerned & ended up in councilling for I don't know how many months! so this time I am trying SO FUCKING HARD to hold things together, but I am not going to lie, I am really struggling!! I am the sort of girl who doesn't find it easy to talk about how I feel... I never have done & this is what causes these "lows." so instead I just shut people out, at the time I don't care who they are, I just want them gone! I feel the need so bad to be ALONE that I isolate everyone & anyone.. but this time I royally screwed up! I didn't talk to nobody I just acted apon how I was feeling.. I once again let my moods get the better of me. I knew things where slipping & I couldnt ask for help.. I really wanted too, but I couldn't. 

I am not writing this to look for pitty, attention, forgiveness, sympathy. I am simply writing this because I want to apologise to each & every person that I have "snubbed" you all know exactly who you are... please believe me when I say I am trying SO HARD to get back on track, to sort my fucked up little head out.. I hope that one day you can maybe all forgive me for my "act first & think later" approach on things.. I really don't mean a single word I say.. half of the time I don't even know WHAT I am saying.. I am just mouthing off to rid of this "feeling" that I can't explain. I am not a fruit loop - although I seem to be acting like one just recently.. I just didn't/don't want to hurt nobody like I did in the past so I hit the delet button without no explanation, no questions & no answers. so for that I am truly from the bottom of my heart very sorry. 

Diary Post #109... Joel leaves nursery.

Joel when he started The Grange at 16 months old, & Joel now at 4 years old.

Dear Diary... 

Tonight I am feeling really emotional thinking about the future, in September my beautiful little boy will be starting "big boy school" & I just cannot get over how fast he has grown up! 

On 4th Feburary 2012, at 16 months old Joel started at our local private nursery "The Grange" & this Friday (24.07.15) my little boy will be attended his very LAST afternoon at The Grange Nursery. I am SO proud of every last thing that Joel has accomplished whilst being at The Grange, & I cannot thank the staff enough for helping my boy to become the confident, cheeky & happy little boy that he is today. Most of all I want to thank his keyworker Annette Jabin for helping him through everything since he started in the pre-school room, & most of all, helping Joel learn to speak. Joel now drives us crazy with his constant talking & he quite literally never shuts up! & it is all because of Annette & the time & care she has put into working with us (& speech therapy over the past 12.5 months) to get Joel talking. I am so sad that he is leaving, but we still have our little ladybug there, & even she is already doing amazing! 

If I had to pick a nursery for my children all over again, I would still pick The Grange, without a doubt. I am more than confident that when it comes to Felicity leaving in a few years (which I don't really want to think about yet) she will also be a cheeky, happy & bright little girl. 

Thank you all so much for everything that you have done for the both of my children. 

Monday, 13 July 2015

Diary post #109. Fuck my life..... & these Migraines.

Dear Diary...

For 6 months I have had to put up with excrutiating migraines & my doctor wouldnt give me anything as he was "concerned" it might have been something to do with my vp-shunts so all he did was refer me back to my neurosurgeon... I have since found our that it ISNT anything to do with my vp-shunts & so I am now guna have to go back to my doctor & DEMAND he gives me something for this pain! I haven't yet heard anything from my nuerosurgeon & to be frank, I am at my whitts end.... I can't take much more, but I also dont know what to do anymore.. i'm sick to death of living like this. 

Diary Post #108.. MY OPINION, none of your business.

Dear Diary..

So yesterday I shared a post onto my Facebook blog page about abortion.. I actually knew before I shared it that it would cause erruptions, because let's be honest, it's me who's sharing it & people don't like it when I give my opinions... if it was anybody else, no fucks would have been given. 

so yeah, I shared the post along with my views on abortion.... I don't agree with abortion. UNLESS it is because of such cases like rape, or a life threatening medical condition towards mother or child, but as for cases where people are just careless & stupid & decide to have a drunken fumble & not use anything, then those people should learn to face the conciquences. if you're going to be brave & open your legs & not use anything, you should then be brave & bring up that INNOCENT child that you created.. it's not the childs fault. 

The post I shared spoke about a 24 weeks gestation fetus being shredded whilst it cried out in pain in the womb. I bet you wouldn't let anyone shred up your children you have now? so why allow it to the unborn baby growing & LIVING inside of you? a life is a life, & it shouldn't just be snuffed out because the poor baby isnt "wanted" if you don't want a child then use a fucking condom or a decent form of protection.

Sunday, 12 July 2015

Diary Post #107. If you think this is about you, then hey it probably is.

Dear Diary..

Don't you just LOVE a good fake person?

It's absolutely hilarious how someone on social media, someone you have NEVER MET, can be your friend one minute & then all of a sudden they've joined the trolls playground. I just don't understand how some people can just be so..... PATHETIC. the internet definetely got it right when they brought out the term "sheep" there is so many insecure bellends on the internet that will follow ANYONE & ANYTHING it's untrue. one minute they're all supportive of you & telling you to "rise above" & then in their next breathe, because you stand up for yourself against someone who they're friends with, oh shit no! they can't be your friend anymore, & like a pathetic little 5 year old that just had their chocolate bar robbed, they go running telling everyone, "oh i'm not friends with so-an-so anymore" blah blah blah.

See you around then you fake piece of shit... i'm looking forward to the trolls getting hungry & eventually turning on you! what goes around comes around & all that jazz. 

Diary Post #106. Chicken Pox.

My poorly spotty baby.

Dear Diary... 

it's been a whole lot of fun in our house for the past 2-3 weeks. 

Just before Felicity's first birthday Joel decided to bring Chicken Pox home with him from nursery, & this meant he was house bound for 7-10 days until his pox had scabbed over & cleared up & as luck would have it, I think because Joel is older, we had no problems with him at all, he didn't develop a temperature or anything, but saying that, it is his second time that he's had them, he was a lot worse when he caught them at 17 months old.

Felicity didn't seem to catch them though (or so we thought) she managed to reach her birthday & was perfectly well two weeks later but then it happened...... 3 days after her birthday I was changing her nappy & there they were, three little spots, then, four, then two on her leg, then some on her bum & back, they were popping up everywhere & in just a few hours, she was covered. by thursday she was really poorly & incredibly miserable, I mean who can blame her. Just looking at her made me want to itch so I can't imagine how she must have felt. 

so yeah, fun all round, I have spent this last week tending to my poorly baby whilst the hubs has looked after & attended to Joel. it's been a nightmare, I am not going to lie! i've had no sleep & to be frank, I don't actually know how I am still functioning. we are now on day 5 since the spots appeared & they are (thankfully) starting to scab over, the majority on her face have scabbed & some on her body are even starting to disappear, but our little lady is still a grumpy clingy madam.. i'm not the only one who's had no sleep afterall, & since yesterday she has done just that.. sleep. a couple of times I have even joined her, but the rest of the time it's been a case of, I need to chill the fuck out whilst she is sleeping, relax a little, drink a "hot" cup of tea. I have my fingers crossed that we are nearing the end now & once she has cleared up, she will be back to feeling more like herself.. 

I really hope that the UK get the Chicken Pox vaccine soon, because it could really do with it, as it's really not a nice thing to watch your child go through & well, this family has already been through enough this year with illness' & health problems.

 After all of this, if I never see Chicken Pox ever again, it will be too soon. 

Silent Sunday..

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Diary post #105... Yet more hospital appointments.

Dear Diary.. 

Today I visited St James Hospital in Leeds to see an eye specialist because since my vp-shunt surgeries in Jamuary'15 I have been suffering with chronic headaches & pressure in my skull & eyes.. I have had two ct scans since my surgery to check both of my vp-shunts & they both came back okay, both of my shunts are working correctly & as they should, so I was then referred for this eye test. so today that is where I have been.

I went about my headaches & when I came out of the hospital 2 hours later I was none the wiser about what is causing my headaches (fab) - all I know is that it's NOT vp-shunt related, which is amazing news, BUT, whilst I was being tested they picked up that I am starting with Glaucoma. 

Basically, you know the colored part of your eye right? (I can't remember what he called it) mine has particals breaking off & floating around my eye & settling in places that it shouldn't. for one, the particals are settling in one of the drainage rivers in my eye which is then causing pressure to build up in my eye (hence the pain & pressure I have been feeling in my right eye) & this is how Glaucoma starts. I have to visit the Glaucoma Clinic in either Pinderfields Hospital or Pontefract in 3-6 weeks so they can diagnose me, because there are 4 dufferent types of Glaucoma & then they can plan which treatment I will be starting on.

So yeah, a fun-packed day all round!
(i'm being sarcastic) :p

& I will of course update on this matter once I know more...

Sunday, 5 July 2015

Diary Post #104. Felicity turns 1 year old..

Felicity Rae-Ellen Mortimer. 
7lb 14oz at 12.41pm. 

Dear Diary.. 

On Friday 3rd July 2015 my precious, beautiful, cheeky little ladybug turned 1 year old. I can't actually believe that one whole year has gone by in the blink of an eye since I brought my daughter into the world.. I love her to pieces. 

Thursday night I put my baby girl to bed, & waited until she was settled & sleeping before the fun began of setting all her birthday presents out & putting up her banners & balloons... than ta midnight I went to bed & asif she knew it was her special day, Felicity woke up at 4.30am & stayed awake until her daddy & big brother got up at 7.30am & then we all sat round & watched Joel help his sister open all of her presents & them play with her new toys together.. it was so sweet to watch. I love thir bond. 

After we had spent the morning playing toys & opening presents, Felicity then went to nursery with her brother for the afternoon, I took in a sponge cake & everyone sang happy Birthday & celebrated with Felicity. 

On Saturday we spent the day with the whole family having a BBQ & again celebrating Felicity's birthday... it was an amazing day, Felicity had lots of fun & recived some very pretty new dresses off her aunties & uncles & lots of new bath toys of nanna & granddad. 

Felicity has such a fun day that on our 2 minute walk home from nanna & granddads house, she fell asleep in her pram & I was able to get her inside, take her upstairs, change her for bed & place her comfortably in her cot, all without waking her up... she was one very shattered little lady.

On Sunday we celebrated for one last time, but this time with some of Felicity's friends from nursery & a few of our neighbors.. again it was a lovely day. Felicity was spoilt rotten with lots more presents, cards & party food ;) tonight she has gne to bed one very exhausted little girl from this weekends birthday fun! & I really hope that we have made her proud & that she had thoroughly enjoyed all that we planned especially for her.


Silent Sunday.

Monday, 29 June 2015

Diary post #103. My Ladybug is almost 1.

Dear Diary.. 

I can't believe just how fast this past year has gone.. this time last year I was heavily pregnant awaiting the arrival of my beautiful little girl.. I was booked in for a cesarean section on 7th July & we were all ready & excited.. Then at 39 weeks exactly (03.07.2014) our little diva decided that she'd had enough & she was going to make her apperance.. four days before section day. so on Thursday 3rd July 2014 at 12.41pm after a 10 hour labor, (I wanted to try myself if I went into labor on my own) failed forceps & then a cesarean section, our beautiful little ladybug, Miss Felicity Rae-Ellen Mortimer entered the world weighing a beauttiful & healthy 7lb 14oz.

This Friday we will be celebrating her First Birthday & I couldnt be any prouder of my little ladybug.. she amazes me everyday with everything she does & she has well & truly completed our family. I love you Felicity. Xx 

Thursday, 25 June 2015

Diary Post 102. - A LITTTLE MUSE: Are people too sensitive, or am I really just a cunt?

Dear Diary... 

So just recently, I seem to have accumulated a lot of "haters" on the world of Facebook. A lot of people have said to me, "yeah but they're just insecure, sensitive people behind a screen that love to bitch & spread gossip to help themselves "look" & feel better." so the question I have been pondering is, are they right, or am I really just a cunt?

This past year especially, I have had so many "friends" on Facebook come & go... & its always over something minor & stupid.. people who have been my "so called friend" for years, all of a sudden develop something nasty up their arse & I become Facebook's public enemy number 1. all formed together by mums on a DDR group that enjoy their "spare time" ripping mine & others lives to shreds.. 

so what do I think of this? 
I think they all need to step away from their devices, realize that they are mothers with children that depend on them & that there is more to life than Facebook & bitching.. I have also noticed that it always seems to be single mums who are the worst (in my experience) they all compete with each as to who's life is the worst & who's most badly done too.. so your partners left & now you have to bring up your kids alone! deal with it, its what life gave you, so make of it what you can!

I have actually started to slowly but surely hate Facebook, if it wasn't for the fact that I actually do have some "real life" friends on there & its my only way of keeping in contact, I think I would actually deactivate & never look back... life is way too precious & far too short to be sat on your arse bitching & slagging off people that you've never even met in your life, & probably never will. there is far worse going on in the world.

I know for a fact this post will more than likely end up all over the place, because yano, i'm so "popular"... always someone thinking of me & having my name in their mouth..... 

Haters ey, they're like crickets, they make a lot of noise, you can't see them but you can hear them, & when you walk right by them, they suddenly go quiet.