Saturday, 24 January 2015

Diary Post #74. - My children are my world.

Dear Diary.. 

My children are my absolute world.. waking up to two beautiful faces every morning is the reason I fight this fight of depression & anxiety.. they make me feel like I am doing at least one thing in my life correctly. 

There is no way on this earth to be a perfect mum, but there are a million ways to be a good mum & I have two beautiful little blessings sent from above, so for me it's twice the smiles, twice the cuddles & twice the love! i'm so proud of them my heart could burst. 

I love my babies so damn much. 
Joel & Felicity are my absolute world, my heart, my soul & my entire universe. 

Diary Post #73 - Mummy to a beautiful little girl.

Dear Diary... 

I can't believe that 6 months have passed since I brought Felicity into the world, to me it still only feels like yesterday that I was laid in theatre bawling my eyeballs out cuddling her in my arms after a very long & painful 10 hour back to back labor. It feels incredibly strange to say that in 6 months time, she will be 1 years old, I have been so busy getting to know her & soaking up every last beautiful moment with her & creating memories, that I havent noticed how much she is growing right before my very eyes! time really does go far too quickly. 

At 6 months old her development is at the stage of an 8 month old in most areas. she has been sitting up unaided since she was 5 months old & she is now determined to get crawling... personally I think she might bum shuffle at first, she already does the worm along the floor when she is laid on her back by pushing with her legs, something i've still yet to catch on camera! ;) 

she just totall amazes me, she is the most beautiful & sweetest little girl I have ever laid my eyes on, already she has such a cheeky little personality. when she wants something she has started babbling "mmmm, mmm, mmm" I could swear she is trying to say mum! or maybe that is just my imagination, because I am desparate for her to say mum before she says dad haha. 

to say I am in love would be an utter understatement. 
i'm well & truly besotted, Joel & Felicity have totally completed me. 

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Diary Post #72.. #RANT. "you can't pick your family - well apparently you can!"

Dear Diary..

So were do I even start? the beginning I suppose.

On 12th Febuary until 16th Febuary I am visiting my home town to see family, friends & celebrate my nephew's first birthday & as always, you cant please everyone. my TWIN sister has kicked off & thrown her teddies out of her pram because I am travelling back to Leeds on the 16th & not staying for her daughters birthday on 17th! - I genuinely forgot. Now, correct me if I am wrong here, but what right did that give her to then start bitching & slagging me off to every tom, dick & harry that would listen to her? so trying to be the better person I calmy phoned her & tried to explain that I had forgot but she totally didnt listen & started going into one of her nonsense rants yadda yadda yadda! then she told me she'd call me back.. & the next time I log online I see she's at it again with her status' only this time she took it way too far. she brought up the fact that I was sexually abused & I now use it for attntion.. I havent mentioned my attack since it happened last year, I spoke of it once when the anniversary of it happening came round & that was it, she's also told me that she doesnt class me as her twin anymore just because I moved away & that she is now a single person - we shared a womb, nothing will ever change that deary. 

Basically she has now "disowned" me & doesnt want to speak to me ever again, all because I forgot about her daughters birthday.. it stung, i'm not going to lie she is my sister, & she's basically now wiping me from her life! but if that is the way she wants it then so be it. my children wont miss out by not knowing who she is! they have the people around them that truly love & care for them & i'm sure I will eventually get over it, I have 3 other sisters, I have all of my family & I also have my husbands family.. she clearly doesnt know how lucky she is to have sisters! let her carry on sulking, i'm done! 

Sunday, 11 January 2015

Diary post #72. "I don't know how depression took over me, it just did"

Dear Diary...

so recently I have found myself feeling better than ever mood wise!

this year I am determined to get back to were I was a year ago, having my daughter & my post natal depression resurfacing has knocked me off course slightly, but I am slowly fighting back & along the way I have learnt a lot of things & as you do when shit happens, I have also come to realize who I can & cannot lean on in my time of need.. 

I don't put my depression about & advertise it for attention. I talk about my depression because it helps me to cope. I expect my friends to stand by me & support me, not stab me in the back when they're having a bad time & make me out to look like i've gone nuts. I don't know how depression took over me, it just did & everyday I fight this fight to beat it..

so I have made a pact with myself & have decided that from now, I will no longer accociate with people who "pretend" to be my friend & "support me" when really they don't give a shit & never did. I am STRONGER than I was because I have fought to get where I am today, I don't need others dragging me down because they feel lousy about themselves & their life. 

no longer am I going to dwell on the past & let the negativity in! I am not were I was, but I am also not quite were I want to be just yet. although I can definetely say; now that I have rid of certain people from my life, there is no longer anything or anyone stopping me getting better & eventually beating depression! people say that a depressed person cant be friends with another depressed person but in my eyes thats bollocks, unless of course the other person is so hell bent on being miserable it starts to affect you too! I don't have time for people like that.. some people might not want to help themselves, but I certainly do, & as of now, there is no stopping me! one day I will beat depression, but until then, I know I have the people around me that I know for a FACT I can lean on & talk to when I need them without them using it against me. 

Lesson learnt: stay away from people with 40 faces.


Friday, 9 January 2015

Diary post #71 - 'Six months as a mum of two!'

Dear Diary...

The past six months has been the most life changing time of my life.. I have experienced good days, bad days, & a lot of challenging days, but it has all been so rewarding & amazing at the same time. On 3rd July 2014 at 39 weeks gestation, our little girl Felicity was born weighing 7lb 14oz! she was & is, the most beautiful little girl that I have ever laid my eyes on. 

From day one her big brother Joel has been utterly besotted. even now he adores the bones of her, his nickname for her is "misses" when he is talking to her it's always "hello misses" it's so damn cute! I have had my struggles adjusting to a life with two children, when Felicity was just 10 weeks old, my post natal depression started rearing it's ugly head once more, but this time round, I knew the signs, I could tell I was slipping! so I spoke with my health visitor & she arranged weekly visits to come & see me & I went back onto my medication.. I am still having those visits, although they're every 3 weeks now! which can only be a good thing, right? 

so far, I am taking each day as it comes when it comes to my moods & depression & when it comes to my children, I am cherishing every last moment whilst they are young because although they get along now, things could very well change once the "teenage years" begin ;) 

Thank you for reading. X 

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Diary Post #70! hopes on a new house!

Dear Diary.. 

So this year we are hoping to move house. we desparately need to get onto the council housing list so that we can start bidding for somewhere new to live! the conditions we are living in right now are hurrendous. we have been living in a house riddled with damp for amost 2 years now.. I live with servere lung disease, our son Joel also has a lung condition, & our 6 month old daughter Felicity has lived with a chest infection for the past 6 weeks that even with antibiotics doesnt want to shift. :( 

so today we have filled out forms for the council register & we just need to provide a few documents to prove we are who we say we are & also I need proof that I am in reciept of disability living allowance due to my lung condition! I have made lots of phone calls & my health visitor is coming to see me tomorrow & she has said she will back me 100% as she has seen the state of our house & also seen how poorly myself & Felicity have been! its even beginning to affect Joel's chest now! :( our doctor is writing up a letter to say I am currently on medications for depression & anxiety & that both myself & my daughter have been given antibiotics recently for chest infections! on top of that, the estate agent we are with came to inspect our house on 28th December & they have said that the conditions are "disgusting" & "unhealthy" for our children aswell as ourselves to be living in, so they are also getting on the banwagon now to help us! my health visitor is also writing a letter to say that our living conditions at the moment is having a huge impact on my mental state, which isn't a lie! so hopefully all of this will make the council see that we need somewhere new to live!

this is our livingroom!

this is our bedroom, were our 6 month old daughter also sleeps! 

& this is the window at the top of our stairs..

Would you want your children living in these conditions when one has lung conditions & the other is only very young! :( 

Please keep your fingers crossed for us! I do hope that at some point this year I can say we are moving house.. because I really am fed up of living here in a house that Jack built. 

Sunday, 4 January 2015

Diary post #70! - My first post of 2015!

Dear Diary... 

so this is my first post of 2015.. Hello January! 

I am not going to make this post a long one I basically just wanted to wish all of my followers, likers, friends a family a HAPPY NEW YEAR & all the best for 2015.. I hope this year brings you, aswell as myself, lots of happiness & positivity! 

This year I am determined to have lots of good days.. obviously I will probably still have bad days because that's depression for you! but this year I am going to be focusing on the future, the things that are to come & not looking back & dwelling on the past.. see that's been my problem over the past few years, I have taken too much to heart, things people have said & done has really bothered me, well thats going to be different this year.... i'm not letting others bother me anymore! this year is all about me, my family & all of the people around me who love, care & support me, sod the negativity & hate.. I aint got time for that shit.. This year, my baby boy is going to be starting full time school! (reception) in April we find out what school he has been accepted into & then from then until September it will be a busy couple of months preparing him for big school & making sure he has everything he needs.. I am so excited about seeing him in his little uniform for the first time! I know I am definetely going to cry like a baby too! as well as Joel starting school, we will also be celebrating our daughter Felicity's first birthday.. (I cant believe she is already 6 months old) I will probably cry at that too! 

so you see, lots to look forward to this year.. I dont have time to be looking back & wondering what if I had done things differently! as one door closes another one opens & that door that has just opened is looking so positive I can feel it already running through my veins! we are also hoping to move house this year too.. we need more space & in time, Joel & Felicity will need their own rooms, so I would rather do this transition whilst they are both young & open minded enough to accept it, more Felicity than Joel.. Joel has been in his own room since he was 7 months old, Felicity on the other hand, at the moment she shares with us & then she will be sharing with Joel, so I think her going into her own room might be a little more challenging.. but maybe not.. we'll have to jump that hurdle when we come to it. 

so from me, have a great year guys & please keep following, reading & sharing my blog. 
also dont forget to like & share my facebook page too! A Woman Of Many Roles; Full Time Mummy, Housewife & Living with Depression. the support I have recieved since starting this blog & my page is amazing & I am so grateful to each & everyone of you. Xxx

Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Diary post #69. My year - 2014, the ups & the downs!

As I write this post it is Wednesday 31st December, 2014.. the last day of 2014, & I am determined to leave all the things & bad people behind me, along with this year. when I open my eyes tomorrow it will be a new year! so this is me reflecting on the good & the bad of 2014.. this is my year in words. 

As always 2014 started off as a good year, as does every year, I was 14 weeks pregnant with my second child & I was feeling on top of the world, I had built a few bridges & I was getting on with my life.. for a while this mood/phase whatever you want to call it continued, I gave birth in July & then everything started to change slightly, I began to find out who my real friends were, those who were once wearing masks & pretending they were there for me, no longer were! it was now all about them & if it wasnt about them, they didnt like it.. I suffer with depression, I have suffered with depression since I was 19 years old.. it has only been in the last 18 months that I have truly began to learn about myself & how to cope with things after going through a long period of concilling in 2013.. & after I had my daughter & I began to slip a little due to my post natal depression trying to rear it's ugly head, people I thought were my friends started to show their true colors! what a surprise! first it was the girl I went through my pregnancy with, whilst we were pregnant she had this obsession of doing everything that I did, if I posted a picture of my bump you could guarentee a few hours later she would do the same... this carried on for months but I didnt let it bother me, however, after both our babies were born & I realized that wait aminute were actually both going through simular things here, both our babies had reflux & some of our experoences are slightly the same, but of course she took it apon herself to make out we weren't the same & I was copying her.. my child was copying her child.. ridiculous right? verything I was going through was false because she was going through it, & nobody else was aloud to go through what she was! so I soon put an end to it all, besides I didnt need the stress of a teenage drama queen on top of my battles, so I rubbed her out of my life & moved on..... a few months down the line, my husband lost his job & it had quite a large effect on me, of course it did, my husband not having a job meant our life would change hugely, so this effected my mood, I thought I had friends there to support me, one in particular, but it turned out, as usual, when I need a friend, I get shit on! 

she turned nasty, she suffers from Bipolar depression herself "apparently" in my opinion, for someone who suffers so badly she's a bit of a cunt & doesnt seem to care about how anyone else deals with their problems! I soon learnt she wasnt a very nice person afterall when all hell broke loose. she completely changed on me, said alsorts of nasty vile things & the best one, told me to go & see a shrink because evetually I would end up alone! bravo... kick a girl whilst she's down why dont you! so yeah, the back end of this year has been pretty wank.. the only thing that has kept me going is my beautiful children, & I would be lying if I said that I won't be sad to wave goodbye to 2014, & all the arsewipes in it. 

No, if I have learnt one lesson that I am taking through with me to 2015, that is to keep my friend circle small, keep my friends close, but my enemies closer.. trust nobody unless you know them in person! i'm done with befirending people only to get hurt in the process, i'm sick of being the soft one that gets walked all over.. i'm done with thinking i'm finally getting somewhere with my moods & some plonker comes along & ruins it all for me.. 

My new years resolution to myself is to concentrate on my beautiful family & only those around me that love & respect me, no more letting in people I can't completely trust & no more being a doormat.. I have come such a long way with my depression, & I wont let nobody send me backwards! i'm determined to make 2015 an amazing year.... I already have so much to look forward too.. 

In July we will be celebrating Felicity's first birthday & in September, Joel will be starting full time school, my baby boy is growing up! & I want to enjoy them both as much I can, so that is what I am going to do! concentrate on the people most important to me & not let the retards in! 

2015 will be my year, watch this space! no negative people, no negative moods & no slipping onto that slope! its funny how everytime someone thinks they're bringing me down, they're not, they're actually pushing me up & making me see just how much of a strong person I am.. I guess it takes a weak person trying to break you for you to see that shit, you're actually doing better that what you thought... 

I can do this... 
I can eventually beat depression & anxiety 
I can rise above the hate & the morons that try to bring me down 
because I am strong & I am determined. 

bring on 2015, I cant wait. 
I hope however you are spending your last day of 2014 you are safe & happy. dont let the bad people ruin the good things you have! peace out boys & girls, & thank you for reading.. 

HELLO 2015. may you be an awesome year. 

Sunday, 28 December 2014

Diary Post #68 - Christmas 2014, Felicity's first.

Dear Diary.. 

Not only was this Christmas Felicity's first, but it was also the first Christmas that Joel understood what was going on. it was an amazing day. We all had so much fun & we were all spoilt silly. I dont see my own family over Christmas with me living away, so to be apart of such a loving & amazing family that treat me as one of their own is the best feeling in the entire world. 

Our Christmas all started at 7.30am. Myself & Neil were awake on & off from 5.30am with excitment. we fed Felicity & then we just lay there waiting for Joel to get up - in the end Neil had to go in & get him up, otherwise I am pretty sure he'd of slept until 9-10am ;) they sat together on Joel's bed after he woke up & looked in his stocking, at first Joel looked a little confused, as I think he thought that was all santa had brought him - that is until we took him downstairs & he saw all of the presents under the tree! 

watching his face light up as he opened each present & watching Felicity roll around the living room carpet trying to eat the wrapping paper was truly priceless! Having children at Christmas is the best feeling in the world.

After we had open presents, showered & dressed we took a walk over to Neil's parents house as that is were we were having Christmas Dinner & seeing all of the family. The afternoon was spent chatting laughing & watching more presents be opened. I love seeing everyone together, we dont do it often enough these days, so when were all together it is so much fun! 

After everyone had left - they had their own Christmas plans, we settled down for a game of cards with Neil's parents & even Joel joined in a little bit, truth be told he was alot more interested in his 2DS & his new games ;) we finally got home around half 8, the kids went straight to bed & we weren't long behind them! it was ana amazing & lovely day, but very tiring to say the least... the one thing I look forward to the most about Christmas, is the amazing Boxing day full english breakfast that neil's dad does on the morning..

we spent a few hours at Neil's parents on boxing day & then we went home to get our house looking normal again after the hecticness of Christmas! our babies were truly spoilt & got so many presents off the family, I am truly greatful.. took me a long time to find them all new places to live though ;) 

its safe to say this Christmas has been one of the best & I can't wait to do it all over again next year when both my babies will be that little bit older & even more excited. 

I hope everyone had an amazing Christmas & I want to wish you all the best for 2015, may it bring you all lots of joy & happiness. 

Monday, 15 December 2014

Diary Post #67. "Haunted"

Dear Diary.. 

On the 5th December 2003 I witnessed something I will never ever forget.

I was meeting a friend, I was sat waiting in the boat benches on Blake Street, an argument broke out between two brothers, I dont remember what was said, but I decided to be nosey & watch what was happening.... I wish I hadn't now because the incident that unfolded before my very eyes has haunted me for the past 11 years. 

The boys were arguing, this went on for a good 10-15 minutes before the youngest looking lad then approached a parked car & asked the driver to run him down.. obviously the driver refused, & the next thing I knew, I saw a car coming down the street, my first thought was, "oh god he isnt going to jump infront of that car is he?" then everything after that just seem to happen so quickly that nobody could stop it! the car slowed to go over some speed bumps & then as it sped up again to carry on the young lad then dived out infront of it & went straight underneath the car head first.. the part that I just cant seem to forget, is seeing the driver slam on the breaks & the lad being dragged half a mile down the street underneath the car before it actually stopped, then when the car did stop, he rolled out from underneath it & was left lying in the middle of the road unconcious, & tyre marks covering his head.

Straight away I bolted over towards him, someone grabbed his coat from the side of the road & placed it over him & someone else called an ambulance! I was stood shaking, pure numb & all I could hear was his brother screaming the worst blood curdling scream I have ever heard in my life! he then bolted off in a different direction, I presumed to get help. 

as we waited for the ambulance, his best friend arrived & crouched down beside him, he was crying & craddling him in his arms, the lad was making some horrific noises, them noises still haunt me now. I stayed glued to the same spot for approximetely an hour.. I didnt move, I watched the paramedics tend to him, I watched him being placed in the amublance & I watched them take him away.. Police then started blocking off the street, a white line was drawn around his body on the road before he was moved. I just stood, completely numb watching officers speaking to people & asking what happened.. an officer then spoke to me, clearly saw I was in shock & sat me down, he asked my name & address & told me that an officer would be visiting my house to get a full statement from me as I told him that I had seen everything..

Two days later, 7th December 2003, Paul Price, aged just 18, was front page in the paper, his injuries had been so server that he didn't make it... I remember reading the headline "TEENAGE BOY DIES AFTER HORRIFIC ACCIDENT" & then I completely broke down in tears! I so wanted him to pull through, after that was when the dreams & nightmares started, even now, I still relive that scene all over again! for weeks I didnt eat, & I couldnt sleep! People at school knew him personally & they were all talking about it like they were there, meanwhile I just sat silently thinking "you're lucky you weren't there"

I found out from the paper when his funeral was to be held & I decided to go to pay my respects! I stayed right at the back, & I was just completely numb. 11 years on, I can no longer listen to Black Eyed Peas "were is the love" because all I see is the accident replaying over & over in my head.. & the curtain closing over on his coffin at the end of his service! 

i've had councilling & nothing has worked, every year I think about it, no matter how hard I try not too it just pops into my head.. I am terrified of my 4 year old son going anywhere near a road & its after this that my anxiety started. 

If I had one wish this Christmas it would be for Paul to be here celebrating with his family & his friends, but instead they have to spend it without him.. I dont know if his intentions were to kill himself, or if he just wanted to hurt himself, & I guess we never will know what was going through his head that night. :(

Rest in peace Paul,

always remembered 
& never forgotten. <3

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Diary Post #66. A very special dedication.

Ethan George Hopson. 

Dear Diary.. 

This December I want to dedicate my Christmas post to a friend, a beautiful, strong lady who always finds this time of year really hard. Karly Hopson. 

On December 22nd 2011, at just 6 months old, Karly's little boy, Ethan George Hopson took his last breathe in his mummy's arms & grew his angel wings & flew to heaven. 
I have followed this beautiful boy's story for 3 years, & I follow his mummy on Facebook too!
she is possibly the most amazing mummy that I have yet to meet. ;) I couldn't for one second imagine the pain she must have been through, & the pain she still endures everyday, but yet she carries on for her little boy. 

A little bit of happiness for Karly, she recently gave birth to her rainbow baby George-Henry & I couldnt be happier for her, the girl deserves just a little bit of happiness after everything she has been through.. 
George-Henry is the spit of his big brother, & I know for a fact Ethan is proud as punch! 
Karly is a true inspiration to all of us, the night Ethan was taken into hospital, Karly set up a "make a wish" page for him, please join this page & show Karly & Ethan your support. 

>>> Make a wish for Ethan George Hopson.  <<< 

If I could have just one wish this Christmas it would be for you to be here with your Mummy & your beaut of a baby brother George-Henry. Nobody knows the pain your mummy has been through, & nobody can say that they "know how she feels" because nobody does. 

I hope you're doing okay up there little angel, I can't believe it's almost Christmas & almost your 3rd angelversary. :( my candle will be burning in memory of you. your mummy & your little brother George-Henry are never far from my thoughts, I am always stalking her facebook too! ;) for updates on your brother & to see pictures of your beautiful face! I just wish we could see your beautiful face now, & see what a gorgeous little man you are growing into! 

sleep tight Ethan, 
& always shine bright angel.