My name is Jharmain Mortimer (Jharr) I am 26 years old. I have suffered with depression since I was 19 years old. I have had some hard times, but I have also been blessed with a beautiful, full time energetic, four year old toddler named Joel! & our beautiful new daughter, Felicity! who came into our world on 3rd July 2014. The hard times have taught me much, & have helped me to become the women & Mummy that I am today. I still have my bad days but I also have my good days. It is the amazing support from family & those few friends that helps me want to fight & become a stronger person. I originally set up my blog so that I had my own bit of personal space to write down feelings! now I try to blog on a daily basis or whenever I can, I mostly like to talk about life in general, the joys of being a Mummy & wife, & how I live my life day to day coping with the ups & downs of Depression. I would like to think that any other Mums & Dads out there that suffer with depression & are reading my blog, find that it is helpful to them in some way or another because after all, depression isn't anything to be ashamed of. I like to be fairly open on alot of my topics because it is one of my ways that I find helps me to cope. People that choose to name call & label me for having a Blog are only defining themselves. :)

Always remember; Depression isn't weakness, nor is it anything to be ashamed of. depression is a sign of strength, because it means no matter how weak your mind might be to you, your heart is still strong enough to feel. hold your head up high & be proud of who you are! ~

Saturday, 22 November 2014

Diary Post #63.

My whole world & so much more..
my amazing little family. 

Dear Diary,

Neil lost his job the back end of October, this will be his second job this year. For him it has been a huge hit in his confidence because since he was 16 years old (he's 33 now) he's been in a job, he's supported his family & put our food on the table! so at the moment he feels like a bit of a failure. He isn't though, far from it. He's amazing. Something like this would usually break a couple up, but not us, we've been through far too much for something as "minor" as this to ruin us! instead it has made us even more closer as a family. 

Currently Neil has had to go on the sick due to his mental state, he's been suffering a lot of panic attacks since July due to stress, (me giving birth & the pressure of needing a job so that he can provide for his family) it's all just gotten to much for him, so the poor man is in a little bit of a state at the moment. 

Thankfully, there is a few benefits that we are entitled too until he is ready to go back into work! we don't plan on staying in this situation forever, I don't understand how anyone can willingly not go out to work & live such a hard life. of course i'm not coating everybody with the same brush, but there is people out there, who can't be bothered to work & they live on benfits all of the time! our benefits havent even started properly yet & Neil has been out of work for 3 weeks now, things have been seriously hard! thankfully though, our "main" things are paid for, rent to keep our house, milk & nappies for the baby & food in the cupboards for ourself & our son!

Were not going to be able to have the Christmas that we planned, but we don't care, as long as we are all together & we are able to afford a couple of presents for our children & some for the family too, that's what is important to us! 

Hopefully 2015 will be a much better year, Neil will be able to sort himself out & find a job that he is truly happy in, & things will eventually get better. For the time being though, all we really need is eachother, & as long as we have that & we stick together, then nothing can break us! & nothing ever will. 

Friday, 21 November 2014

Diary Post #62.

Dear Diary... 

On 10th January 2014 I was sexually assaulted walking down to nursery to collect my son. I was just minding my own business when a guy that was clearly drunk, or stoned out of his mind, approached me, grabbed me into a bear hug & started putting his hands down my top into my bra! Police were involved but the guy was never caught. I have been told that he has now moved out of the area, but this still doesnt help me when it comes to going out.

Also, at the time, I was 14 weeks pregnant with my daughter. 10 months on, the dark nights are setting in again & it's beginning to stir in my mind again, the anxiety of going out in the dark & the paranoia when I do. I have been to collect my son from nursery in the dark once since the clocks went back, & it was probably the most anxious I have ever been in my entire life. I spent the whole walk looking around my surroundings & looking over my shoulder until I got to nursery.. 

I send my husband to collect my son now & I drop him off in the afternoon when it's light. I know it was almost a year ago now, but it still scares me walking out in the dark :( 

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Three years post surgery.


3 years ago on this night, I was sat in Leeds General Infirmary Children's Surgery Ward awaiting what would be the most horrific week of my entire life - Joel's open lung surgery to remove the entire bottom lobe of his right lung were his CCAM sat. no matter how many days, weeks, months or even years go by, I will never forget this week. it was one of the most heartbreaking times in my entire life. I had to watch my 14 month old little boy go through complete agony & there was nothing I could do! Joel is my miracle, my warrior & my absolute world. I wouldn't wish CCAM on my worst enemy, but my boy got through it & with every milestone that he reaches, every achievement he makes & every birthday we share, I am the proudest mum on the entire planet, because in April 2010, I didn't think I would get to watch him grow into the handsome & amazing little boy that he has & I am so thankful that he made it. he has shown me just how strong he can be & he has taught me how to be strong too! I love you Joel, with every last breathe in my body!! <3

Monday, 10 November 2014

Diary Post #61 *Shunt paranoia*

Dear Diary.. 

so for the past few days I have really not been feeling very well. On Thursday evening, after me & the hubs had settled both children down in bed, we were getting ready to chill out ourselves, snuggle up & watch something on the tv together.. as I went to sit down on the sofa I kind of threw myself backwards, & as I did, Neil lifted his arm to put it round me & the back of my head kind of collided with his elbow.. he smacked me right in the back of the head, right on my shunt valve! which gave me an instant headache! At first I thought nothing of it, took some paracetmol & carried on with our evening, but that night after I had gone to bed I started to feel "strange" I cant explain the weirdness, it's like my body went completely numb & my hands & feet tingled & its as though I was having an out of body experience, all whilst i'm awake.. it only lasts a couple of seconds each time but it was scary as hell & I was having very strange dreams too.. 

I got really paranoid on Saturday that something bad was going to happen to me! i've been unbeliably tired & just feeling like crap! Thankfully this seems to have settled down since yesterday (Sunday) i'm still having a slight headache, but the "weirdness" seems to have calmed down which was what was freaking me out the most. I can deal with headaches, but I cant deal with not feeling as though i'm not in control of my own body. 

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Diary Post #60 "Hello, stranger...."

Dear Diary... 

So I realize that I havent written a proper blog post for some time now! I feel like I have kind of abandoned my blog a little to be honest. Ever since I became a mum of two my life has become a bit of a roller coaster if I am honest, I have spent the last 4 months battling my anxiety & post natal depression again, trying my hardest to stay strong & be a good mum & a good wife & also support my best friend who has also been going through a really hard time! 

On top of that I had to deal with friends falling out with me & trying to bring me down! BUT I wasnt going to let them get to me, I haven't spent the last 18 months building myself back up again for people to destroy me & send me back to were I was!! I decided I wasn't going back there, I wasn't going back to being the bitter, awful person I became in 2012, so yeah, I just kind of took a step back from everything & concentrated on what was important.. MY FAMILY. I went back onto my anti-depressants because I knew that it was something I needed to do for myself, & I have just been taking each day as it comes. 

It has been a few weeks since I have seen my health visitor too as she is currently off on sick leave, so I am having to do my best at "going it alone" I don't think I am doing too bad especially seen as the hubs is home at the moment due to being "finished" at work.. he too is having a stressful time of it at the moment & he told his boss that he didnt think he could handle the job so as a mutual decision they terminated his probation! no point being in a job you dont enjoy & is going to make you miserable right? this means things are going to be really tough for us until he gets himself back into work, but we are a strong family unit & together we can get through anything! on the positive, it also means I get some time with my husband & our children get some time with their daddy... which is something we could all do with! we may be skint, but at least we have each other. 

I am beginning to feel a lot more like myswlf thank goodness, I still have my wobbles & that is nothing to be ashamed of.. depression is an illness I will always live with & I am not ashaemd to admit that yes I do struggle sometimes, but as long as I have the people surrounding me that I do, I know I will be okay.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

Diary Post #59. Foot in Mouth Syndrome.

Dear Diary...

One day I will learn not to get so close to friends that I make on the internet.. because when I have a bad day & the depression threatens to take over, I cant control my gob.. never mind my thoughts.

I am sorry for what I said. I am sorry for how I acted & I am just sorry from the bottom of my heart..
not that I can take any of it back now but there you go! yet again I screw up something else that was actually good in my life, & now i'm left with what? with people that dislike me!

well done Jharr, well done.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Diary Post #58 - Getting older.

Dear Diary...

6 days ago I celebrated my 27th birthday & just recently I have been looking back on just how much my life has changed in just 8 small years. At the age of 19 years old, I made the biggest decision of my life, & I moved 100 miles away from my family to set up home with my fiance Neil, who proposed to me in 2006! after living in Leeds for one whole year, we decided to set a date for our wedding & we "tied the knot" in June 2008.. fast forward another 2 years & I was pregnant with our now 4 year old son Joel... a scary but precious time (to which is a whole other story if you don't already know) now, another 2 years later, in 2014, I gave birth to our beautiful daughter Felicity back in July, who is now 3 months old & absolutely adorable!

so, in 8 years I have done things I never thought would happen in my life.. i've moved away from home, i've gotten married & I have had two beautiful children with my soul mate.

Despite the struggles I have in my everyday life, I am definetely one of the lucky ones.

Sunday, 28 September 2014

Diary Post #57. "Three beautiful months as a Mum of two."

Dear Diary...

Three amazing months have past since I brought my beautiful daughter into the world & it has been the most life changing yet amazing three months of my life. 

All I have ever wanted from being the age of 17, was to have children of my own & be a mum! I now have that, & I honestly couldn't be happier. what more could a girl ask for? Life sure is fantastic right now, I have great friends, great family & an amazing, supportive & loving husband. I also have the greatest support network & because of that, I am slowly beginning to conquer my depression & anxiety day by day. 

The first couple of weeks after having Felicity have been quite rocky, I started to slip where my PND was concerned, I lost interest in a lot of things & I spent most days in tears.. I didnt want to end up as bad as I was after having Joel so after a week or so, I asked for help! Something which I am very proud of, because it's something I never did with Joel! My health visitor has been amazing too! she has been visiting me on a regular basis every couple of weeks since having Felicity & will contuine to do so until I feel ready to make time inbetween her visits longer. 

aswell as initial support from my health visitor, I have also been back on my medication for 5 weeks now, & truth be told, I am feeling so much more in control. After speaking with my husband & my health visitor, I also made the decision to place Felicity into nursery for one afternoon a week, a decision that I didnt make lightly! I asked all of my family first to see if I could come to an arrangement with them, before I even considered nursery, because placing her into nursery wasnt one of my first options, infact, it was my last. Still, some people didnt agree nor did they understand why I am doing this, & why I have made this choice for my children. instead of supporting me like i'm sure a friend should, they accused me of alsorts & branded me as a bad parent. something I know I am not. if I was a bad parent I wouldnt be doing something that I thought was the best for my children. How is my children seeing me crying & suffering low moods good for them? By placing my daughter into nursery one afternoon a week (a nursery which Joel has been attending since he was 16 months old, so the staff aint exactly strangers to me) this gives me a little time to take control where my depression is concerned, & as selfish as it might sound, have a few hours to myself, take a bath, eat a proper meal, even have a nap! after all, what good am I to my children if I am run down & unhappy? no good whatsoever. 

I am extrememly proud of myself for the way I am handling things, & those who love me understand what I am going through & are all happy to help me without no judgement whtsoever! I dont get why some people have to give their say on your life, it's proper childish! people should just concentrate on their own life & if they cant be happy for you & support you, then why are they even friends with you? I am hoping all the friends I have now are true friends because I am sick to the back teeth of getting hurt & these so called "friends" only caring about whats going off in their life.

I will eventually beat my depression, I may have taken a few steps backwards just recently but I will get back on top of things again & eventually overcome this because I am a strong person & I have all the support & love that I need. I have my children & as long as I have them, I can overcome anything! they are my world & the reason I fight this everyday. 

screw all the negative nobheads! ;) 

Silent Sunday.

Friday, 19 September 2014

Diary Post #65. What is Friendship?

Dear Diary... 

I had this "friend" well, I thought she was a friend. I met her in person last year & she was the most lovliest, bubbliest person I had ever met, & I truly believed that in her, I had found a friend for life... I was so very wrong & it truly saddens me. 

What kind of "friend" constantly judges you? what kind of friend rips apart all of your decisions & when it comes to "supporting you" they're not interested, but they always expect you to be there for them! Thinking about it now, I wish I had never met her, I wish I had never let her get under my skin & I wish I had never trusted her because she has just thrown everything back in my face & shown her true colors! I don't hate her, i'm just disappointed that she turned into a person I never thought she would. 

She has become so jealous, bitter & vindictive. Everything is about "her!" it doesnt matter if you have problems, hers are always bigger, when I had down moments & when to her for a shoulder to cry on, she'd just tell me to "pull myself together" or ask me "what have I got to be depressed about?" yet when she had down days she expected me to help her feel better... that is not a friend, I realize that now! I gave her so many chances, the last time we fell out, was when I was pregnant, she sent me some disgusting, inhuman, awful emails, but I chose to be the bigger person & ignore them, 4 months later just after I had my daughter, she came crawling telling me she misses me & that she was so very "sorry" & stupid old me goes & fogives her, I thought she had changed, pft, yep, I was wrong, again! 

My daughters not even 3 months old & she's turned on me again just because I told her I was placing my daughter into nursery for 4 hours a week so that I could take back control with my moods! she accused me of "farming" off my children, this being a woman who is "so very ill" she has every tom dick & harry looking after her son picking him up from school & looking after him,! at least I know where my children are & who they're with, which is me most days, not half of my neighborhood! she claims to also have depression, but what kind of woman who has depression can be so disgusting to another sufferer? 

I admit, I also said some awful awful things, but she's the sort of person that pushes & pushes & pushes until you snap & say things you wish you hadnt just to make her shut the fuck up! i've now resorted in changing my mobile number just to get away from her vile messages. It has taken a year & half but i'm now realizing that woman is beyond help, eventually she will lose everybody that cares about her & I really couldnt care less anymore, infact, for all I care, she can go take a long run & jump... off a very big cliff.